Thoughts For The New Year

Things I want to do this year...aka New Years Resolutions (??):

• Get on top of my finances
• Be less judgemental
• Spend more time with my children and husband - not just more quality time but more time in general
• Turn off the TV more
• Go to church regularly
• Be better organized - personally and professionally
• Send Thank Yous
• Spend less frivolously
• Eat healthier
• Move more
• Read more...learn more

Grand ideas. I hope I can make them into reality.

Peace,

I can't believe the summer is nearly over!! Where the heck did it go?? My biggest regret is not doing more with my family and especially the kids. I had such grand ideas, but:

• when it was HOT the baby hated taking walks in the stroller and I didn't want to have to carry her to go for walks.....not to mention it was HOT;
• when it rained we always ended up doing chores or I felt like I was constantly feeding the baby
• i didnt want to camp with the baby
• i couldnt' really take any days off once my maternity leave was done because I didn't really have any personal time
• we had no money
• when i did have time everyone else had other plans
• i have a hard time getting my shit together
• i get impatient with the older girls when i feel overwhelmed by baby stuff.

Speaking of which I did realize that I could never be a decent mom at this point in my life, to a new baby, if I didn't have my oldest child. She is honestly like a second mom. Not that I make her care for the baby all that much, but when she does she is a natural. I think she is the second fave person of baby...after me natch. She helps me keep my sanity. A. I feel like I need to set a good parenting example for patience, calm, understanding, etc. for the two older girls because this is going to be their biggest look into parenting for their own future kids; and B. When I just can't cope I can have 13 take baby and get a few minutes. I can't do that with H.

I am looking forward to the kids going back to school only because I know they will be experiencing enriching activities and be back in contact with all of their friends in person - not on club penguin, email, or the phone. Otherwise I dread the chaotic mornings....now that I have the baby and am trying to balance my getting ready against whatever her needs are....and adding whatever needs 10 and 13 have as well...then getting them to school.... and the baby to daycare...and me to work....aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! I know I'll have to start getting up at 5:00 a.m. Before the baby I could get up at 7 or 7:15. UGH!

Then at night - imagine!! I get home at 6:00 - feed the baby, clean up the dishes from the morning, make dinner, probably run to the store, clean up after dinner, intermittently attempt to help them with their homework, look through school papers, make decisions about activities and friends/playdates, try to be interested in H's day, feed the baby, do the laundry, talk about bills w/H or whatever comes up, try to spend some amount of direct quality time with 10 and 13, try to get them to bed by 9-ish, feed the baby, ..... OHMYGOSH - my hearts racing just thinking about all of that. How do you fit that all into one evening and do it 5 times per week?

Laundry will have to wait lol. I've already decided that Wednesdays will be fend for yourself meal nights. Saturdays are going to have to include a cooking lesson because I'm going to need the girls to take on a dinner night.

relief. the first batch of funds was released by our bank and H started writing checks and paying bills. the rest will be released on Friday.

Backup. we combined our "loan" into a joint account. our first joint account ever and we've been together 17 years. i was always afraid because he doesn't keep track of the money he spends and is always getting overdrawn. admittedly lately i've been overdrawn, but it's a rarity for me - maybe twice a year. but it's time. it's time we become more of a team in dealing with the household.

so last night he sat at the dining room table writing out the rest of the bills. what a relief. we couldn't pay off the whole cit bill, but we paid off almost 90% so that's a good thing.

he wanted me to do this. this is interesting. not interesting that he wanted me to do it, but what ended up happening. for the past year he's been trying to get me to be the one to handle all of the household/joint bills, develop and keep a filing system, keep track of all of the receipts, school paperwork, medical stuff, warranties, etc. etc. I make some progress but then something comes up, then i avoid it, and it piles up.

ok - some of it's my fault. i do practice avoidance. i do.

but last night - to get back to the point - he wanted me to finish writing out the bills. he had taken care of whatever during the day, when he was off and i was at work, and he had nothing else to do.

i hadn't been able to pump yesterday afternoon. the baby ended up having a bottle right before i picked her up from daycare, which was fine because then i could pump when i got home. first, though i had to move all of these chairs off of the patio by the pool because a big storm was coming and i didn't want them blowing into the pool and ripping the liner.

then i changed the baby, then pumped. i also told the kids that it was leftover/fend for yourself night for dinner - that i'd decided that every wednesday would be that from here on out. gives me a night off, takes care of leftovers, and just makes everything less rushed and more relaxed.

immediately after pumping, bagging the milk, rinsing the pump equipment, we packed up the baby and i drove 13 to a birthday party across town. on the way home i again reminded 10 about the dinner plans. we stopped at a gas station because she had quarters and wanted to buy tic tacs.

once home the baby was ready to eat again so i sat down to nurse her. 10 was eating some tic tacs, and i had a couple. we checked the weather. then she wanted to talk about her plans to go away with a friend's family for the weekend and we talked about that.

meanwhile H comes home and starts to lecture me about not having fed the kids, or not making sure 10 ate before she munched on tic tacs. he starts speaking accusingly about how the kids are now in the habit of going to the gas station and buying crap everytime they're hungry and every noon hour and 5 o'clock hour. Which isn't true by the way. I start to tune out. he goes on about how its important for me to put things exactly where he thinks they belong so that "he can help" when he has to get something for me. I'm not the only one who touches things, so - grrrrrrrr

then he rags that the chairs on the patio were next to the garage and not in teh garage so they're all wet now from teh rain. i explain that i had the baby and the pump bag, and the diaper bag and my main focus was getting them away from teh pool (where HE left them by the way) to protect the liner from getting ripped. (ironically I had a dream last night that he ripped the pool liner and the pool was unusable)

Finally I say its time for him to stop ragging on me and lecturing me about how to raise and care for our children and how to run a household. i shouldn't have to explain every little thing that happens from teh time i come home just to justify to him why one thing is done and another isnt. i obnoxiously tell him to close his lips and go away.

he comes back and asks if i will be able to sit down and go through the remaining bills to write checks. i say i will try, but certainly by Friday.

the baby cries, she has a rash, she eats several times in an evening. H wants me to wipe down the hand me down crib mattress with bleach because we've discovered it smells musty and mildewy - i do, then again with water to rinse after it dries.

in the midst of all of this 10 has eaten, i finally make something for me to eat. i can tell H is annoyed that i haven't also prepared his leftovers.

i have to give the baby a bath, and make it long enough to soak away that rash. she's uncomfortable and cries afterward. i dress her, feed her again. etc. etc. this is like after 9 pm now.

10's friend's mom calls to make the necessary arrangements for the weekend trip - that takes about 15 minutes on the phone while 10 tries (too loudly) to entertain the baby.

again he tells me how he wants me to manage the household stuff. after all he'll be in school, at the library, studying, working on projects. sometimes he just doesnt get it.

he keeps calling me wanting me to do things, but i can't. this is my life. he ends up writing the bills. when i finally come over and ask him what he wanted me to do, with a crying baby in my arms, he says "nevermind, you're busy." and hopefully he realizes that i can't just sit down and pore over paperwork like he wants me to do.

it was frustrating. it makes me feel like a little kid when he tells me how i should do things, or explains to me why things are important. i already know this. but life doesnt work in abc order, and i accept that. if i have to concentrate on the baby, or the girls, then that's what i have to do.

once school starts it will only be worse. i will be the only one available to help 10 with homework because H will be at school with a full time plus schedule himself. additionally i'll be struggling with making dinner, caring for the baby, doing laundry, probably not getting my own work stuff together for the next day and probably not getting the diaper bag or bottles ready for the next day. probably not pumping either. all of this between the hours of 6 pm and 11 pm.

how will i fit in bill and paperwork management so that he can be free to study?

Guilty Confession

I have been eating ho ho's and hostess cupcakes. I admit it. Right now I want to go get some. Whenever I feel HUGELY stressed and over the edge, I crave them. Although I hadn't eaten them, or even thought about eating them, since I was a kid, I crave them lately. Just since I had the baby.

Thank God for breast feeding and its apparent ability to speed metabolism and prevent weight gain, but when that's over I think I will blimp out.

Granted I only indulge once every few weeks, I am about to go indulge for the second time this week. I won't vent about why here - I'll save that for my new place. That's my toxic dumping ground. But....it's related to work.

There, I said it. I do it. I admit it. It's done :-)

Therapy

I did it. I did look for a therapist and schedule an appointment and actually go. It was good even if most of the "hour" was spent on intake information. Still it provided an outlet for me to really let out a lot of the things that were bothering me. I'm still buzzing from it - there's so much I want to say and to get out there and to get feedback about.

My next appt. is coming up on Wed. and I have a couple pages of notes - in bulleted lists - to remind me about things that happened this week that I want to touch on and talk about. Of course that's pared down from pages and pages of actual journaling, and summarized lists, that eventually became a bulleted list.

During our conversation she asked about my husband and our relationship. As I was talking about that she said "that really sounds passive aggressive." How weird and spot on because just a week or so ago I had come to the realization that H is very passive aggressive in the way that he walks around complaining and criticizing out loud and blaming everyone else for what goes on - but never just calmly and kindly sitting down and talking directly to the person he's irritated with.

About 30 seconds after she said that I realized that she was talking about me and how I relate to him. ME!! I'm passive aggressive??? I looked it up on wikipedia and guess what....I am! I meet way more of the criteria than H does. That is number one on my list of things to talk about tomorrow.

One place where I thought I didn't fit into the concept of passive aggressive personality disorder was having trouble with authority figures - then I realize that I do only when it comes to H. I resent his attempts to assert any type of authority towards me....and maybe even towards the girls. I actively resist it and that's what sends me in the opposite direction and gets me so angry when he makes lists, asks me what my agenda is, or nags at me to get something done!!!

Ok - there are other issues. It's not all me and he has some serious communication problems. But I am definitely a part of the problem.

She also brought up the possibility of ADHD. I responded by saying I'm not at all hyper. She said that one doesn't have to be - it's about focus and organization of thought processes. Hmmmm - could be. I admit I'm resistent to that. I've thought about it myself, but don't wholeheartedly subscribe to the practice of labeling a inefficiencies in thought with an all encompassing disorder to be cured by meds. If meds are suggested I might try it but would prefer that we find some holistic or natural method of dealing with it.

Before seeing her I had, based on the psych today articles I'd read, looked up cognitave behavioral therapy (CBT) and found that it was a process through which you identified problems with your thinking patterns/processes and worked to change those - in turn changing your behavior and solving the problems. That often can include "assignments" for the patient to work on in between sessions.

Turns out she's an advocate of CBT and tends to lean towards that methodology. My first assignment was to keep track of every time I beat myself up over something. When I have those thoughts that say "you idiot!" and why I thought that. So I made a table that tracks the date, the degree on a scale of 1-5, and the reason. It's filling up but I'm sure I've skipped a few either because I inadvertently forgot or I chose to forget so as not to have to share it.

Additionally she did not assign but recommended that I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I've always avoided that book because I already know men and women are different species and hate self help books in general. Surprisingly enough I find myself totally drawn to them at this point and wish I had nothing to do all day but read them. Sadly I could not find the book on cd and had to buy the new abridged version to read. I haven't started it yet....procrastination? No I just didn't want H or anyone else to see me reading it.

I'm totally psyched for my appt. tomorrow - no pun intended. I really do HAVe to get some work done now. GOD what is freaking wrong with me????

Oh and there's developments on the work front that are just crazy. Another time.

Thoughts on Marriage

I sure am glad that I'm married and not dating. What a chore to have to sort through personalities and people to find someone that you can tolerate and who can tolerate you ~ hoping that some spark will ignite. It sounds so depressing.

Sometimes H drives me nuts - he's a difficult and complicated man - but overall I'm just glad I'm married and in a solid relationship. 17 years we've been together ~ married 13. That sounds like forever to me right now, but it feels so good to know that he'll be there when I get home; that he's just a phone call away; to know he's next to me when I wake up from a nightmare; to know that when everything else goes to hell, he'll be there.

On a day to day basis we have our "moments". I'll admit that I sometimes fantasize about what my life could be like if we were no longer married ~ all of the choices I could make for myself without having to think about how he'll feel about it. To only have to answer to me. But that brings a whole set of problems in itself. Single parenting is far from easy. A mom can never be a dad. And not to have that one solid steady person who knows all of your flaws and your strengths and who you can count on come rain or shine ~ well that would just be sad.

The core reasons why I was initially attracted to him still apply. While he may be reluctant to commit to plans with me in advance, or to go "out"; while he may be at odds with me on any given day and we may disagree about a lot of stuff in our daily lives; the fact is that when it counts he is there and I'm just thankful.

Me

I do not belong

Another example of how I do not belong here. An hour ago a "co-worker" stopped at my office door to see if I was going to (local restaurant). I asked what for and he said for the annual end of contract party. FUCK IT! Yes, that's right I swore.

Same deal last year only last year I had reason to be extra slighted.

In my division there are two departments. The other department has office staff, office management, field crews, supervisors, manager, etc. My department has.....me. They have one very large contract to complete. I have a myriad of smaller contracts to complete.

Last year I didn't hear about their end of year party until pretty much the day of. I was invited as a second thought but could not go and probably wouldn't if I could. I couldn't because I was still busy doing all of the end of contract paperwork for several contracts from my dept. Their office and support staff does this sort of thing for them. I wouldn't because I couldn't stand seeing them all get financial and additional bonus prizes and being awarded extra days off, while I get nothing.

This year I could go, but only for a very short time since by the time I heard about it I had committed to work that I have to complete this afternoon. Plus I have to leave early to be able to pick up my daughter from day care on time. But I choose not to because I don't feel at all welcome or truly invited. Truth is nobody will even miss my representation because we don't have cause to work together in the slightest so we are two completely separate entities.

This year I have less reason to feel slighted in that I have lost a good portion of one contract because I'm just not enough people to have completed it. I feel sucky about it and alternately blame myself and the company. It's a little of both. I could have done better, and they provide nearly zero support either motivationally or physically.

Still I feel like crap. It sucks to work in an environment where you feel completely isolated and at the same time have to watch all of the comeraderie and teamwork happening all around you. It only creates a greater feeling of isolation. Then to have everyone else, except for one person, completely forget your existence when planning a departmental party is just the bitter bitter icing on the stale cake.

I'm not happy. Not at all.

Realization

When I came back to work I quickly tackled all kinds of leftover work from the woman who'd replaced me for three months. People were glad to hear from me - the replacement hadn't returned their calls or e-mails or known what to do etc. In her defense she had half the hours and none of the training. She was basically manning the desk and reorganizing and that was helpful enough for me.

Then I did lists and prioritized them. I carried unfinished tasks forward. I set up action folders, etc.

Then I carried more unfinished tasks forward...because I spent too much time on trivial stuff like e-mail and surfing MSN articles while avoiding other work that I should have been doing. By Friday I had to spend the whole morning doing work I should have done over the previous week in preparation for an afternoon meeting. As a result I was poorly prepared and probably did not make a very good impression on a pretty important contact.

By this week...today...I came in and immediately went to the MSN articles. Ok, not immediately. First I looked for and responded to any persona e-mails on my work pc.

I saw a link to psychology today and went there. A featured article was on procrastination oddly enough. So I read it. I know that I SAY I'm a procrastinator, but this article NAILED me as a procrastinator and avoider. Right down to the making lists you never follow and considering the making of the list an accomplishment in itself, AND constantly checking email and keeping busy with trivial stuff just to feel like you did something when really you did nothing you should have been doing.

It said a person like this can improve with therapy. That is what I realize I need.

My procrastination and avoidance (happening right now while I write this) is affecting my work, my coworkers, my boss, my clients, my husband, my children, and my home. I procrastinate and avoid in every area of my life. I let bills pile up. I wait until the last minute to provide responses or to pay bills - unless I do it late. I wait until the shit hits the fan to focus on work that I should be doing.

Its a learned behavior and I'm already teaching it to my kids. It creates a lazy lifestyle. It is essentially centered around living a lie both at work and at home.

My relationship with my husband is certainly suffering because of it. And yes, its kind of my fault. Not entirely - but it is. He is still an incredibly sour nag these days.

Ok - just wanted to put it in writing that I do need therapy and I'm going to pursue that.

Domestic Drama

It doesn't feel good. Every day lately is a struggle.

I'm not greeted with good morning by H, instead I AND our daughters are greeted with a littany of complaints about what we've done wrong, not done, done too much of, etc. Following that are the neverending complaints about how much he hates our house, how he's so unhappy, how nothing is right or good enough ....or just enough in general. Great start to the day.

Even now as I write this I have to fight back tears. When its occurring I have to look away. I've tried being supportive, or explaining that we are each under some stress, or that the kids are just kids and not grown adults with communications degrees.

It's just so depressing to hear everything that comes out of his mouth be so negative. I really can't cope with it or process it. It's so overwhelming and such a huge burden that it affects every aspect of my life. I can't even work at work!

My mind is a jumble of thoughts and my heart is a mess of emotion. Bill are looming over our heads, H is depressed about things that can wait and is turning them into unsurmountable obstacles for all of us, work is a stress, I've recently had a baby, expenses are higher than ever.

I could cope with the bills and expense if there was any sort of positivity from my partner. If he could just take solace in a hug and togetherness ~ there isn't a whole lot else we can do. If he could sit down and problem solve with me and be willing to make the hard choices without constantly griping about how it will negatively affect HIM, we could begin to see the road under our feet if not the light at the end of the tunnel.

Instead it feels like he is becoming increasingly selfish. Always worried about how something will affect him or ruin his plans. Never understanding that his negativity is affecting everyone else.

It feels like I give him everything emotionally, but now I feel like shutting down. It's not the first time that this has happened. This weekend I realized that it felt like this when our last child was born. I don't know if it was the money problems or maybe an inability to deal with babies, but I know I felt pretty abandoned and found myself constantly protecting my kids. No - not from physical harm but from his constant irritation and griping and complaining and insulting.

It's like he gets through every day accumulating more and more shit minute by minute. He copes, he doles out what niceties he can muster, then he comes home and unburdens himself by dumping all of that shit - PLUS some - onto us.

Granted a family is supposed to be there to support you, but we can't be just a dumping ground. It feels like all I do anymore is listen to him vent, complain, and nag.

Men out there with nagging wives....I am a nagged wife. It never ends. It is constant. Sniping remarks, not so subtle accusations and insults, ragging and nagging and blaming. It's TOO MUCH!! I need relief. Our kids need relief.

Recently I figured out that my 13 yr. liked a certain boy but she denied it when I asked her about it. Her sister offered up that she really does like that boy - that 13 said that the boy is sometimes mean but she likes him. WOW - that hit me like a ton of bricks!!

We all are drawn to people with some personality trait(s) that exist in our family. Things that we are instantly comfortable with and already know how to cope with. We don't consciously realize that as it happens, but its true. What if 13 is attracted to mean boys? H can really be mean and has been especially so since the baby was born - and has gone through many phases where he's been especially so. What if our life is going to lead her into a life where she will have to spend her days enduring the nastiness of someone who just isn't happy with himself??

I'm seriously considering leaving. I don't know how though because we are mortgaged to the hilt and there are few places where I could afford to live on my own. OK - no I'm not thinking of leaving. Should I be?

While I was pregnant it was so good. I expected the worst because I remembered the last pregnancy and his attitude. But GOD he was so nice and kind and accomodating and considerate. It was absolute heaven. Naturally I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...and it has.

It started while I was in the hospital and his daily visits would consist mostly of complaints about everything that's going wrong in life, bills, work, school, AND having to deal with "this" and having to come to the hospital every day. I finally on the last day broke down crying because I just couldn't deal with his talk any more. First of all he didn't have to come to the hospital every day. Secondly I am the one who went through 19 hours of labor, had a seizure, had my belly cut open, can't cough or sneeze, can barely walk, is stuck with tubes and needles and monitors, and who has a baby permanently attached to her breast now. So your problem is what??

Then when I didn't turn into his version of Suzy Homemaker within two weeks it just got worse. I had complications and lifting and driving restrictions....oh yeah and a baby permanently attached to my breast. So I couldn't carry the laundry up and down two flights of stairs, or go grocery shopping on my own, or sand the drywall, or paint, etc.

But anyway I digress. That doesn't matter. I'm just at my wits end and don't know what to do or how to cope or get through this.

Life Goes On

Last post was late March. April 3rd I gave birth to a beeeautiful lil gurl, then took three months off work. Not long enough for sure.

Every day I prayed to win the lottery so I could quit my job and stay home with the kids. I would cry while feeding the baby just thinking of leaving her.

At one point while doing just that I flipped on the tv and landed on Joyce Meyer's ministry program. She just happened to start talking about how we shouldn't be sitting on the couch flipping through channels and wishing for things to get better. How weird. The whole sermon was directed right at me. I took it to heart but haven't necessarily followed through on what I know I should do.

Last week I was so depressed, still am, about all of our debt and how it looks like we are just sinking into oblivion. Again, I was praying and wishing to win the lottery. I was up late sitting in the living room because I couldn't sleep for all of the thoughts of money ~ trying to keep my mind off it by watching mindless tv.

Eventually I went up to bed and H was asleep but the tv was on. I flipped channels a bit and landed on this other ministry show - the young thin guy who's always smiling. He seems pretty on the level. Anyway, what is he talking about??? Debt and the desparationg that one might feel in the face of it and how we shouldn't just mope around depressed about it, we have to do something about it. Get off our butts, come up with a plan, face it, and most of all have faith in God that if we take action he will help us.

Now, I just don't know what that action will be. A couple days later I finally tackled the table full of papers - mostly bills - that i have been avoiding for several months. Within there I find one of those 0% on balance transfer offers for a credit card and its not one of those crappy ones like capital one or providian. I decide I'm going to see if I can transfer some of my master card to that so I can have lower overall payments. Natch I haven't done it yet.

Ok, so I have to find a way back to the top. I can remember having no balances and paying my bills as they arrived. Even looking forward to receiving them just for the satisfaction of writing out the check and paying them off.

Now I'm here using my AFLAC payment to cover other bills instead of the medical bill its really for. STUPID!!

Wish me good fortune.

Peace

Defeat For Dinner

Until pretty recently I would have described myself as someone who loved to cook. I love to try new recipes and cook interesting, colorful, and ethnically diverse foods. It's my preference to cook as naturally as possible ~ this having stemmed from having a husband with significant food sensitivities. Some say that must be a burden, but the fact is that it makes us all much healthier to stay away from canned and boxed foods and all of the preservatives and flavor additives and colorings that go with that cooking style.

This year though I find myself increasingly depressed about and disinterested in cooking. At first the reason was pregnancy. I just hated the smell of cooking and certainly didn't want to see or touch raw meat. Once I got bigger it also became a chore to stand in the kitchen for long periods of time or to handle the backaches that came with bellying up and bending over the cutting board or sink.

At the root of it all though is loss of interest. What interested me about cooking was really pleasing people with a fabulous and interesting dinner. Everybody always likes my cooking. Everybody compliments me on the types and tastes of things I cook. Everybody except my immediate family.

Youngest - hates everything. Even if she likes it she says she hates it. So when I say we're having something in particular that I know she likes she assumes she won't like it and I have to convince her that she's always liked it. Eventually she tries it and she likes it - surprise surprise. But by then all the joy is gone from it. It's become a meal ordeal.

Oldest - has very very very limited likes. Those likes center around bread, cheese, french fries, rice, pasta, and that's about it. It's a HUGE chore to get her to eat veggies and then the limitation is corn (with lots of butter and salt); carrots (butter and salt); salad with only green leaves and she can barely choke down the thinly sliced carrots that I insist on adding; and (forcibly) green beans with lots of butter....and salt.

Hubby - well all the food sensitivies to start with. No MSG, HVP's, citric acid, pineapple or pineapple juice, wine, non-distilled vinegar, sulfites or metabisulfites, and much much more. Never wants to eat anything twice within a few days. Hates pasta. And in general, whatever it is that I'm cooking, he was hoping for something else. If I make chicken...he's eaten chicken at lunch or he was hoping for burgers. If I make mexican, he was hoping for chicken. If I grill, he's generally happy but it's pretty darn cold to grill all winter. Oh - and he pretty much hates all veggies except for corn, basic salad, and mashed potatoes.

In the end even if one of them likes it, the others complain. That's not what I want, can I have something different, I hate that, etc.

So, I'm just sick of it. I've reached a point where I don't want to cook for them. I love to cook for people who appreciate the effort of it all. I have no interest in cooking for people who are only going to focus on what this meal "isn't" for them.

I worry about my kids getting proper nutrition. Especially the oldest isn't getting probably even 10% of the fruits and veggies she should. She only like bananas, and gets sick of those after a while. She only liked one kind of apple which is only available during the fall and early winter. 100's of other fruits out there and she won't eat any of them.

The veggies she does eat, she eats grudgingly and they typically aren't the ones with the greatest benefit (green lettuce, or corn). Then she only eats them with butter and salt.

I am thankful that I can get my youngest to eat quite a variety. She'll eat total veggie pizza - tomatoes, spinach, carmelized onions, roasted peppers, etc. She LOVES avacadoes. She likes asparagus (although only with mayo and only if it's cooked just so). She loves broccoli, but only with cheese sauce. She'll even eat sweet taters.

When I was a kid it grossed me out to see veggies - even potatoes - smothered with butter and sauces and salt. I liked them fresh and crisp and plain. I still do. My mom and sister ate everything with oodles of butter and salt and sr. cream. ICK! Ok, I did learn to like taters with butter and sr. cream, but I still like them w/out as well. Thankfully my mom did have an adventurous appetite so I guess I take after her in terms of trying different things - she didn't cook different things, but she would eat them.

I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do or what to cook anymore. Nothing is right, nothing is good enough. I have fabulous cookbooks but have to edit so much out of every recipe that there's no longer any fun in trying any of them. I have no motivation any more. If one person likes it, two won't. Or they'll pick all the most nutritious parts out of the meal.

How am I supposed to cook for my family, keep them healthy, encourage good nutritional habits, if I hate to cook anymore??

It's a conundrum.

The Drama Created By Values

This weekend H and I took a whole passle of tweens and teenagers on an afternoon outing at a local skating rink. Everything went very smoothly and all of the girls were well behaved and got along well - even the two who usually have a conflict.

Shortly after we arrived I noticed a guy admiring a pair of hockey skates someone had left in the lounge/changing area. He commented on them to a friend. The friend asked whose they were and the guy said "they aren't mine.....but I could make them mine. Should I?" I didn't hear that the other guy responded so I don't think he agreed necessarily.

I looked right at the guy and then at the skates so he'd know I heard what he said. He seemed to recognize that. He left and came back with an empty athletic bag. I really felt he was going to steal those skates and I tried to make it hard by blatantly staring at him. Unfortunately I had to help some of the tweens with their skates and when I looked up the guy, the bag, and the skates were gone.

Turns out we knew a number of people that were with this group. They introduced us to the guy that was thinking of taking the skates. He kept looking at me the whole time we were there. Being VERY pregnant, I wasn't skating. So I hung out in the lounge, which is the only heated area.

I tried to see if anyone would go near where the skates had been so I could identify who they belonged to. I mean if someone was there with skates, why weren't they skating? And if they weren't skating, where the heck were they?

I tried to talk to the office staff to tell them what I thought happened, but everytime I went near there the bad guy or his group were there. So I waited and watched and hoped for the best.

Eventually a woman came in and declared that her sons skates had been stolen. I described them and asked if I was correct - asked where they had been to be sure they were the same ones. Yep, they were, and they were apparently very expensive.

So I had to say what I saw and try to point the guy out. I knew he was still there. But I couldn't find him. So I had to point out the other guy that had been with him - which I hated doing because it turned out he was the father of a friend/acquaintance who was also there. But I thought he would know where the find bad guy.

Then I spotted bad guy and pointed him out. The people confronted him, he denied, they threatened to call the police. It was near the end of open skate and I was thinking that here I am with 12 kids and my husband and I'm going to have to hang around and tell the police what I heard, etc. etc. I guess that threat was enough for him and he went and got the skates out of his car. He's lucky they didn't press charges.

I felt really awkward after that because bad guy was telling the whole story to the people he was with, whom I knew, and I felt even a little bad even though I knew I'd done the right thing.

Next Drama.

Finally get home with all of these girls. I'm planning to start driving them home in 1/2 hour, which all the parents know, but one parent shows up. She has a history - can't tolerate her child doing anything independently. The mom is slurring, obviously under the influence. I wait a few minutes to be sure I'm seeing what I am and I am correct. Then I send her daughter from the room and tell the mom that I'm not letting her drive her daughter home.

She goes from happy and overley animated to dark and really pissed off. She says "I will call the police" and I said go ahead. Secretly I was wishing she would. She then says "fine, then I want my daughter home in 10 minutes" and I said I would be right behind her heading out of the driveway. STUPID!! I should have taken her keys and had my husband drive her car home so she wasn't driving at all - but I can only think of so much in the face of nerve wracking confrontation.

So I drive the daughter home. While driving - recognizing that this girl has been through so many similar incidents and is somewhat mortified - I explain why I did this. I explain that her safety is paramount. I ask if she knows that as a child she still has rights and even though it could be incredibly difficult to ever act on them, she does NOT have to get into a car with her mother when she's drinking. Not ever. She mumbles I know, but I know she really just wants me to shut up and wants this to be over.

As I arrive at the house behind her mom who is pulling into the garage, she comes out to the driveway and tells me to come into the house. I decline but roll down my window at which point she says "this is not real" and I say "yes it is"....

other mom: you are untrue
Me: No I'm entirely true and believe completely in what I've done
other mom: you are wrong about this
Me: I do not believe that I am - you are under the influence of something
other mom: says something that is a denial that she is under the influence
other mom: If you want to play games...
Me: I would not play games with your daughters life
other mom: I am not playing games with her life
Me: If you are driving while under the influence, you are
other mom: We'll see how this all plays out in court
Me: Fine - now I have to go home so please step away from my car

Then I decided I should stop at the police department to explain what just happened just in case the other mom decides to call them and tell them some drunken version. She never did call them, they took minimal notes and sent me on my way. They weren't going to do anything. They never do.

Later she calls me and I swear I think she doesn't even remember the incident. She babbles about some school related function that's supposed to happen the next day and then ends the call with me wondering what the heck she just called about.

So goes another episode. I wonder how many more there will be with this woman. I wonder what will ever become of her daughter. I wonder if the mom did anything to take out her anger on the daughter after she got home. I wonder if there is anything that can be done to save the daughter because I realize the mom is beyond that.

Drama.

Tween Teen Drama

Why are mean girls considered popular? Is it because they are unapproachable? In my daughters school I pegged the mean girls - the ones headed for trouble - back in K-garten. My own daughter has been raised with an emphasis on character, kindness, and equality among all people. We've also sought to ensure that she understands what might drive people to behave the way they do - good or bad.

So when that potentially trouble making group indeed became the (pardon my french) B--ches of the class, we addressed it post haste. When they were labeled the "popular" group I asked my daughter how they could be popular if all they do is hurt people and act insensitively?? Was she interested in hanging out with someone like that? It was a quick decision for her to say no. By the same token I asked her to try to see where they were coming from. One from divorce, not liking the man who could become her step dad, another from a very complicated divorce whose real dad was in jail and had a restraining order against him - the other two....not so easy.

Both came from two parent families. But one family had very controlling parents - a dad with a short temper who yelled a lot but did not hit. The other had a very hippie lifestyle where the kids could pretty much do as they pleased. Both of them might just like to belong, or to have some control, or to be controlled. Who knew?

Anyway, thankfully my daughter never had any probs with that group. She treated everyone fairly, did not have any great drive to belong to a group, and just did her own thing. I think they respected that and never bothered her.

I never encouraged play dates with them - she didn't ask for them. I felt like if they were mean to her friends she should necessarily be pursuing a friendship with them and she understood that and agreed.

Some of her friends though really desired to be part of that group. If they felt they were in a little, they would not be quite as nice to my daughter. But they'd quickly learn that they weren't really "in" when the group would turn on them and treat them badly and then they'd coming back. My daughter might be too forgiving but she never held it against them.

A couple of years ago a new girl came to her class - Blondie. Blondie had tons of energy and seemed like a good kid. She enjoyed the same things my daughter - May - did, was intelligent, and they had a good time together. They hit it off right away and hung out a lot. Some of May's other friends got a little jealous and May did her best to maintain a balance. She was in the middle and felt like none of her friends wanted to be friends with each other. But they tried.

Blondie eventually also wanted to belong to that mean girl group. DO NOT ask me why. But her mom invited those girls over one at a time and they developed some semblance of friendship one on one. She wasn't part of the group, but she was friends with them individually.

Didn't take long to see Blondies dark side - her Diva side. She would easily turn on May if she felt it was the cool thing to do. More than once she seriously hurt her feelings. We would help May see both sides of the potential causes for this - the dark side and the side that is driven by insecurity and immaturity. We would always let her know that she doesn't have to let this person back in, but she usually did.

Or if May was spending too much time with one of her other friends, that could also be cause for a temper tantrum and mean spiritedness by Blondie. We'd explain the same and let May make her choices.

More recently a new girl came along. She appears to be very much like May, but a bit more shy. She was obviously raised by intelligent parents, given explanation and choice, and taught manners and respect for all people. She can clearly make her own decisions about who she does or does not want to associate with and does not appear to cave to peer pressure. I like her.

Blondie hates her. Figures. And she's mean to her. Insults her looks, her clothes, whatever is convenient. If May is with the new girl then Blondie might even insult May. Jealousy, immaturity, selfishness.

So May and new girl have their first get together planned for a Saturday afternoon after an extra curricular meet. Blondies mom asks if I can give Blondie a ride home from the meet. Of course I say yes because we swap rides all the time and I have no prob with this. But I forget that new girl and Blondie do NOT get along. So I explain that I'd have to drop Blondie at home rather than let her come to my house, which she would usually do. I explain that new girl will be there and Blondies mom knows they have had their battles. She says she thinks they've kissed and made up, but I say no ~ it would be uncomfortable for new girl. I don't say, but I think, May and new girl are just getting to know each other outside of school and I don't want to mess it up by bringing a diva into the scene who will try to control the whole thing and toss out stinging barbs under the guise of wit.

So new girl begs out of the meet because her parents don't want to expose her to Blondies sarcasm and personality. Fair enough. Makes the ride home easier.

We drop off Blondie and pick up new girl and head home. New girl and May have a great time, enjoy themselves. New girl is so polite and genuine and considerate and so NOT annoying. So respectful. I truly appreciate this. I like her and hope that May and New Girl will spend a lot of time together in the future.

Of course I hope that Blondie comes to her senses and changes her behavior too, but otherwise I'd have to say that I hope May ditches Blondie and saves herself from any future run ins.

May talked with Blondie about her behavior and how it hurts people. Blondie responded "that's just the way I am and I can't change it." (bullshit!) But then another person who used to be like Blondie but who came to her senses also talked to Blondie about it and May thought it made a difference. Only time will tell.

The End.

Beginnings

I guess I thought that I'd at least put one entry in here, but apparently not. So, here it is.

Life is good - not easy, but good. I'm broke. Behind on bills. But I have a great family and great friends. Although I pretty much hate my job and it keeps me up nights with anxiety, It's a decent job with decent pay and decent benefits. It's served me well for 13 years.

Currently I am in my 31st week of my third pregnancy, already having two kids ages 13 and 9. Nope, this was not planned but I am happy. I love being pregnant. And I can already feel the sense of loss I will have after not being pregnant. Some might wonder how that's possible since there is then an actual baby, but it's not inside you and so much a part of you, so there's a little loss there.

My husband is being great. He was great the first time around, a jerk the second time around, and he is more than great this time. Besides work and school he is doing double duty around the house because, frankly, I'm just too darned old to be pregnant and functional. Glad he's here for us.

I have nothing important to say today. Just hello out there and blessings to everyone who crosses my blog path.

Peace,
Z