Therapy

I did it. I did look for a therapist and schedule an appointment and actually go. It was good even if most of the "hour" was spent on intake information. Still it provided an outlet for me to really let out a lot of the things that were bothering me. I'm still buzzing from it - there's so much I want to say and to get out there and to get feedback about.

My next appt. is coming up on Wed. and I have a couple pages of notes - in bulleted lists - to remind me about things that happened this week that I want to touch on and talk about. Of course that's pared down from pages and pages of actual journaling, and summarized lists, that eventually became a bulleted list.

During our conversation she asked about my husband and our relationship. As I was talking about that she said "that really sounds passive aggressive." How weird and spot on because just a week or so ago I had come to the realization that H is very passive aggressive in the way that he walks around complaining and criticizing out loud and blaming everyone else for what goes on - but never just calmly and kindly sitting down and talking directly to the person he's irritated with.

About 30 seconds after she said that I realized that she was talking about me and how I relate to him. ME!! I'm passive aggressive??? I looked it up on wikipedia and guess what....I am! I meet way more of the criteria than H does. That is number one on my list of things to talk about tomorrow.

One place where I thought I didn't fit into the concept of passive aggressive personality disorder was having trouble with authority figures - then I realize that I do only when it comes to H. I resent his attempts to assert any type of authority towards me....and maybe even towards the girls. I actively resist it and that's what sends me in the opposite direction and gets me so angry when he makes lists, asks me what my agenda is, or nags at me to get something done!!!

Ok - there are other issues. It's not all me and he has some serious communication problems. But I am definitely a part of the problem.

She also brought up the possibility of ADHD. I responded by saying I'm not at all hyper. She said that one doesn't have to be - it's about focus and organization of thought processes. Hmmmm - could be. I admit I'm resistent to that. I've thought about it myself, but don't wholeheartedly subscribe to the practice of labeling a inefficiencies in thought with an all encompassing disorder to be cured by meds. If meds are suggested I might try it but would prefer that we find some holistic or natural method of dealing with it.

Before seeing her I had, based on the psych today articles I'd read, looked up cognitave behavioral therapy (CBT) and found that it was a process through which you identified problems with your thinking patterns/processes and worked to change those - in turn changing your behavior and solving the problems. That often can include "assignments" for the patient to work on in between sessions.

Turns out she's an advocate of CBT and tends to lean towards that methodology. My first assignment was to keep track of every time I beat myself up over something. When I have those thoughts that say "you idiot!" and why I thought that. So I made a table that tracks the date, the degree on a scale of 1-5, and the reason. It's filling up but I'm sure I've skipped a few either because I inadvertently forgot or I chose to forget so as not to have to share it.

Additionally she did not assign but recommended that I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I've always avoided that book because I already know men and women are different species and hate self help books in general. Surprisingly enough I find myself totally drawn to them at this point and wish I had nothing to do all day but read them. Sadly I could not find the book on cd and had to buy the new abridged version to read. I haven't started it yet....procrastination? No I just didn't want H or anyone else to see me reading it.

I'm totally psyched for my appt. tomorrow - no pun intended. I really do HAVe to get some work done now. GOD what is freaking wrong with me????

Oh and there's developments on the work front that are just crazy. Another time.