I can hardly believe that in 2.5 months my littlest will be one year old.
One month after that 10 will be 11, and 14 will be graduating from middle school!
It's just a few months until spring.
Next year our whole life changes....again. Not that having a baby this past year didn't change things lol. But Next "school" year puts 11 in middle school and 14 in HIGH SCHOOL! She'll be in a public high school, on her own sorta, picking out her own classes, running with some new crowds along with the old crowd, planning her future. It's a big step. It feels like she's moving to a new town. How weird.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Struggling.
We are. It's so tough. On the one hand I think everyone is going through it. I see the stories on the news and in the paper about all of the people succumbing to mortgage default and foreclosure. I want to believe we're just one of them, trying to hang on in a tough market. Truth be told we have a low fixed rate long term mortgage. So it's not like our mortgage payment is going up or adjusting - other than tax escrow.
Ok - prices are going up everywhere, aren't they? Isn't that the deal? Gas! Gawd - it cost $45 to fill up the freaking Honda. A HONDA!! It just doesn't usually cost that much. The Jeep - ok I'm not surprised when it creeps above 55, then 60, then 65. I expect it there. But not the tiny, zoomy, efficient little economy car.
Honestly though it's me. It's us. We suck at money management, plain and simple. We make bad choices. Both of us. Many times over the past several months I have posptponed paying a particular bill in favor of buying the best groceries - rather than the sale groceries; or in favor of buying a new outfit for an interview; or make up; or some random thing that seems small at the time. The thought process is that I can pay the bill with the next check. Oops I forgot that other bill...so if I pay this bill with this check then I have to postpone that other bill....but I'll pay that next time and DARNED if I didn't forget yet another bill that should have been paid with THAT check.
And so the cycle continues. What a freaking idiot!
My therapist had me keep a journal on how many times I beat myself up, to what degree (scale of 1-5) and over what. Numerous times a day, no matter what I'm doing - making a pb&j sandwich for the kids, cleaning, driving, whatever - I say "YOU ARE SUCH A MORON!" Typically that's because I'm thinking about some bill I didn't pay or the overall financial situation that I'm in. She was stunned at how many times I did this.
So today I feel desperate. We are in deep. Recently H had some $$ and I suggested that he could cover some of the bills. "NO!" he said "I have my own bills to worry about - that's my first priority." Makes me want to cry just thinking about that.
I transferred 87% of my recent net income to my savings for the past due mortgage payment that's due at the end of this month. 87%. How much cash would you have left if you took out 87%? Could it support you for the next two weeks? Buy your groceries? Your gasoline? Diapers? Pay childcare? Pay your gas bill, electric bill, auto insurance, - SHIT I just now realized that my plates are expired! So that's where I am.
This is the same place we were last winter. Struggling, living on the charge, behind on everything, with H not wanting to hear about the bills because he has his "own bills to worry about."
How do I approach this with him when I've already been shut down?
Today I told my daughter that she can't take guitar lessons any more because I can't afford the weekly fee. The girls can't go to ski club because I can't afford $30/week. I can't take them to movies. Can't buy them ANY new clothes. 13 makes all of her own spending money. Heck I can't even pay them an allowance.
What a moron!
Ok - prices are going up everywhere, aren't they? Isn't that the deal? Gas! Gawd - it cost $45 to fill up the freaking Honda. A HONDA!! It just doesn't usually cost that much. The Jeep - ok I'm not surprised when it creeps above 55, then 60, then 65. I expect it there. But not the tiny, zoomy, efficient little economy car.
Honestly though it's me. It's us. We suck at money management, plain and simple. We make bad choices. Both of us. Many times over the past several months I have posptponed paying a particular bill in favor of buying the best groceries - rather than the sale groceries; or in favor of buying a new outfit for an interview; or make up; or some random thing that seems small at the time. The thought process is that I can pay the bill with the next check. Oops I forgot that other bill...so if I pay this bill with this check then I have to postpone that other bill....but I'll pay that next time and DARNED if I didn't forget yet another bill that should have been paid with THAT check.
And so the cycle continues. What a freaking idiot!
My therapist had me keep a journal on how many times I beat myself up, to what degree (scale of 1-5) and over what. Numerous times a day, no matter what I'm doing - making a pb&j sandwich for the kids, cleaning, driving, whatever - I say "YOU ARE SUCH A MORON!" Typically that's because I'm thinking about some bill I didn't pay or the overall financial situation that I'm in. She was stunned at how many times I did this.
So today I feel desperate. We are in deep. Recently H had some $$ and I suggested that he could cover some of the bills. "NO!" he said "I have my own bills to worry about - that's my first priority." Makes me want to cry just thinking about that.
I transferred 87% of my recent net income to my savings for the past due mortgage payment that's due at the end of this month. 87%. How much cash would you have left if you took out 87%? Could it support you for the next two weeks? Buy your groceries? Your gasoline? Diapers? Pay childcare? Pay your gas bill, electric bill, auto insurance, - SHIT I just now realized that my plates are expired! So that's where I am.
This is the same place we were last winter. Struggling, living on the charge, behind on everything, with H not wanting to hear about the bills because he has his "own bills to worry about."
How do I approach this with him when I've already been shut down?
Today I told my daughter that she can't take guitar lessons any more because I can't afford the weekly fee. The girls can't go to ski club because I can't afford $30/week. I can't take them to movies. Can't buy them ANY new clothes. 13 makes all of her own spending money. Heck I can't even pay them an allowance.
What a moron!
Friday, January 4, 2008
The Perfect Prayer
Another Coincidence!!! Ok...so I followed a comment to a blog www.organizeddoodles.blogspot.com , which I first thought was a bot but I googled and it looked legit....so I followed.
From there I followed to a blog called I love my life, which was a very down to earth person with great insight.. and the source of the soon to follow perfect prayer.
From there I followed to another blog with a latin name that I honestly can't correctly recall (vitae....???). Again very inspirational. But get this - THAT blogger is just minutes away from where I am at this very moment!
Without further adieu (sp?).....the Perfect Prayer:
From there I followed to a blog called I love my life, which was a very down to earth person with great insight.. and the source of the soon to follow perfect prayer.
From there I followed to another blog with a latin name that I honestly can't correctly recall (vitae....???). Again very inspirational. But get this - THAT blogger is just minutes away from where I am at this very moment!
Without further adieu (sp?).....the Perfect Prayer:
My dear Lord - I know that you will always care for our needs, because you care for the birds in the sky and the flowers in the fields - and we are so much more important to you. What amazes me is the depth and breadth of love and generosity you so freely pour out to us to fill our needs! You know exactly what we need, and you ALWAYS are there to provide it when we ask. Help me to have a generous attitude, as you have given those who have given in your name to supply for our needs!
AMEN
Worried Bout H
Yesterday H and I were sitting at the dining table having dinner. He'd taken the girls through Wendy's after they'd been to the dentist, so they'd already eaten. 14 was holding the baby. So we could have a lovely dinner at the table - unrushed. Suhweet!
It was eerily silent and I commented on an article about gene therapy being used to treat wet macular degeneration (H's dad is suffering from it). I did that because I knew that was sure to spur conversation since H is studying Biology and Chemistry at U. Natch it did and natch much of it went over my head. But it always makes him feel better and brings out more happiness in him when we talk about his interests and school.
Sooooo..... the conversation moved onto various things. We started talking about negative thoughts creating negative behavior. Joyce Meyers magazine was next to me on the table and I picked it up to read to him some excerpts from an article I'd begun reading the day before (Battlefield of the Mind). It was basically Joyce providing tools of the mind to help one refocus into a more positive state, then backing it up with bible verses. After all she's a minister and that's her job - to bring to everyone the word of God.
So I told him about the article and said "let me read you a couple of things that are related to what we're talking about." I thought about leaving the bible verses out and paraphrasing just to get the concepts out to him, thinking he probably wouldn't respond well to the God aspect. But i didn't. Purposely I left it in hoping it would reach him. It did, but not in a good way.
Instead of hearing the message, all he heard was "God being shoved down my throat." He went on to say that Joyce Meyers would reach a lot more people if she left God out of her "motivational speech." I pointed out that she's a minister and her whole point for having this magazine and her ministry is to bring the word of God and the belief in God to people, so that would defeat her purpose. But what she was trying to do is say - hey, there are some very practical lessons in these writings and here's how we can apply them today. God made sense and these lessons are timeless and apply to everyone all the time forever.
Ever since H went back to school to finish his Biology degree he has moved farther and farther away from the Church, God, faith, belief. He's also become increasingly negative and cynical and angry. I hadn't really connected the two happenings to one another, but now it makes perfect sense.
Even as he's going on and on about how this message would be better w/out God in it, I glance down at the next section of the article (which I hadn't previously read) and it includes a verse warning not to let others lead you astray with their ideas and words. So relevant to the moment!
God speaks to me in so many ways so frequently that it's impossible for me not to believe and have faith. I feel like sometimes we having a never ending conversation.
It really hurts to see H losing faith because this loss is clearly leaving a very empty, very black, hole in his being. I worry about him, about how it affects him, about what he says to the kids, and about what the kids will think if he doesn't step up and take a position of spiritual leadership.
More than that I realized that if he won't - I will have to leave my comfy seat in complacency and do it myself.
It was eerily silent and I commented on an article about gene therapy being used to treat wet macular degeneration (H's dad is suffering from it). I did that because I knew that was sure to spur conversation since H is studying Biology and Chemistry at U. Natch it did and natch much of it went over my head. But it always makes him feel better and brings out more happiness in him when we talk about his interests and school.
Sooooo..... the conversation moved onto various things. We started talking about negative thoughts creating negative behavior. Joyce Meyers magazine was next to me on the table and I picked it up to read to him some excerpts from an article I'd begun reading the day before (Battlefield of the Mind). It was basically Joyce providing tools of the mind to help one refocus into a more positive state, then backing it up with bible verses. After all she's a minister and that's her job - to bring to everyone the word of God.
So I told him about the article and said "let me read you a couple of things that are related to what we're talking about." I thought about leaving the bible verses out and paraphrasing just to get the concepts out to him, thinking he probably wouldn't respond well to the God aspect. But i didn't. Purposely I left it in hoping it would reach him. It did, but not in a good way.
Instead of hearing the message, all he heard was "God being shoved down my throat." He went on to say that Joyce Meyers would reach a lot more people if she left God out of her "motivational speech." I pointed out that she's a minister and her whole point for having this magazine and her ministry is to bring the word of God and the belief in God to people, so that would defeat her purpose. But what she was trying to do is say - hey, there are some very practical lessons in these writings and here's how we can apply them today. God made sense and these lessons are timeless and apply to everyone all the time forever.
Ever since H went back to school to finish his Biology degree he has moved farther and farther away from the Church, God, faith, belief. He's also become increasingly negative and cynical and angry. I hadn't really connected the two happenings to one another, but now it makes perfect sense.
Even as he's going on and on about how this message would be better w/out God in it, I glance down at the next section of the article (which I hadn't previously read) and it includes a verse warning not to let others lead you astray with their ideas and words. So relevant to the moment!
God speaks to me in so many ways so frequently that it's impossible for me not to believe and have faith. I feel like sometimes we having a never ending conversation.
It really hurts to see H losing faith because this loss is clearly leaving a very empty, very black, hole in his being. I worry about him, about how it affects him, about what he says to the kids, and about what the kids will think if he doesn't step up and take a position of spiritual leadership.
More than that I realized that if he won't - I will have to leave my comfy seat in complacency and do it myself.
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