Yesterday H and I were sitting at the dining table having dinner. He'd taken the girls through Wendy's after they'd been to the dentist, so they'd already eaten. 14 was holding the baby. So we could have a lovely dinner at the table - unrushed. Suhweet!
It was eerily silent and I commented on an article about gene therapy being used to treat wet macular degeneration (H's dad is suffering from it). I did that because I knew that was sure to spur conversation since H is studying Biology and Chemistry at U. Natch it did and natch much of it went over my head. But it always makes him feel better and brings out more happiness in him when we talk about his interests and school.
Sooooo..... the conversation moved onto various things. We started talking about negative thoughts creating negative behavior. Joyce Meyers magazine was next to me on the table and I picked it up to read to him some excerpts from an article I'd begun reading the day before (Battlefield of the Mind). It was basically Joyce providing tools of the mind to help one refocus into a more positive state, then backing it up with bible verses. After all she's a minister and that's her job - to bring to everyone the word of God.
So I told him about the article and said "let me read you a couple of things that are related to what we're talking about." I thought about leaving the bible verses out and paraphrasing just to get the concepts out to him, thinking he probably wouldn't respond well to the God aspect. But i didn't. Purposely I left it in hoping it would reach him. It did, but not in a good way.
Instead of hearing the message, all he heard was "God being shoved down my throat." He went on to say that Joyce Meyers would reach a lot more people if she left God out of her "motivational speech." I pointed out that she's a minister and her whole point for having this magazine and her ministry is to bring the word of God and the belief in God to people, so that would defeat her purpose. But what she was trying to do is say - hey, there are some very practical lessons in these writings and here's how we can apply them today. God made sense and these lessons are timeless and apply to everyone all the time forever.
Ever since H went back to school to finish his Biology degree he has moved farther and farther away from the Church, God, faith, belief. He's also become increasingly negative and cynical and angry. I hadn't really connected the two happenings to one another, but now it makes perfect sense.
Even as he's going on and on about how this message would be better w/out God in it, I glance down at the next section of the article (which I hadn't previously read) and it includes a verse warning not to let others lead you astray with their ideas and words. So relevant to the moment!
God speaks to me in so many ways so frequently that it's impossible for me not to believe and have faith. I feel like sometimes we having a never ending conversation.
It really hurts to see H losing faith because this loss is clearly leaving a very empty, very black, hole in his being. I worry about him, about how it affects him, about what he says to the kids, and about what the kids will think if he doesn't step up and take a position of spiritual leadership.
More than that I realized that if he won't - I will have to leave my comfy seat in complacency and do it myself.
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That must be so hard for you! I've only been saved for nearly 6 years now (wow, time flies!), but before that I was like your H - I had gone to church, knew a little about the Bible, but didn't want to believe that it applied to me. It was thanks to 15 years of prayers from my older sister and dad that I got saved. Keep praying for your H and upholding a Godly example for your children. Then let God do His part!! It's not always easy, but that's where a good church family comes in. If you aren't involved in a church, I'd advise you to try to find one. Encourage H to go with you, but don't try to force the issue - if he's like was, it won't help.
My prayers are with you, sister!
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