Realization

When I came back to work I quickly tackled all kinds of leftover work from the woman who'd replaced me for three months. People were glad to hear from me - the replacement hadn't returned their calls or e-mails or known what to do etc. In her defense she had half the hours and none of the training. She was basically manning the desk and reorganizing and that was helpful enough for me.

Then I did lists and prioritized them. I carried unfinished tasks forward. I set up action folders, etc.

Then I carried more unfinished tasks forward...because I spent too much time on trivial stuff like e-mail and surfing MSN articles while avoiding other work that I should have been doing. By Friday I had to spend the whole morning doing work I should have done over the previous week in preparation for an afternoon meeting. As a result I was poorly prepared and probably did not make a very good impression on a pretty important contact.

By this week...today...I came in and immediately went to the MSN articles. Ok, not immediately. First I looked for and responded to any persona e-mails on my work pc.

I saw a link to psychology today and went there. A featured article was on procrastination oddly enough. So I read it. I know that I SAY I'm a procrastinator, but this article NAILED me as a procrastinator and avoider. Right down to the making lists you never follow and considering the making of the list an accomplishment in itself, AND constantly checking email and keeping busy with trivial stuff just to feel like you did something when really you did nothing you should have been doing.

It said a person like this can improve with therapy. That is what I realize I need.

My procrastination and avoidance (happening right now while I write this) is affecting my work, my coworkers, my boss, my clients, my husband, my children, and my home. I procrastinate and avoid in every area of my life. I let bills pile up. I wait until the last minute to provide responses or to pay bills - unless I do it late. I wait until the shit hits the fan to focus on work that I should be doing.

Its a learned behavior and I'm already teaching it to my kids. It creates a lazy lifestyle. It is essentially centered around living a lie both at work and at home.

My relationship with my husband is certainly suffering because of it. And yes, its kind of my fault. Not entirely - but it is. He is still an incredibly sour nag these days.

Ok - just wanted to put it in writing that I do need therapy and I'm going to pursue that.