I do not belong

Another example of how I do not belong here. An hour ago a "co-worker" stopped at my office door to see if I was going to (local restaurant). I asked what for and he said for the annual end of contract party. FUCK IT! Yes, that's right I swore.

Same deal last year only last year I had reason to be extra slighted.

In my division there are two departments. The other department has office staff, office management, field crews, supervisors, manager, etc. My department has.....me. They have one very large contract to complete. I have a myriad of smaller contracts to complete.

Last year I didn't hear about their end of year party until pretty much the day of. I was invited as a second thought but could not go and probably wouldn't if I could. I couldn't because I was still busy doing all of the end of contract paperwork for several contracts from my dept. Their office and support staff does this sort of thing for them. I wouldn't because I couldn't stand seeing them all get financial and additional bonus prizes and being awarded extra days off, while I get nothing.

This year I could go, but only for a very short time since by the time I heard about it I had committed to work that I have to complete this afternoon. Plus I have to leave early to be able to pick up my daughter from day care on time. But I choose not to because I don't feel at all welcome or truly invited. Truth is nobody will even miss my representation because we don't have cause to work together in the slightest so we are two completely separate entities.

This year I have less reason to feel slighted in that I have lost a good portion of one contract because I'm just not enough people to have completed it. I feel sucky about it and alternately blame myself and the company. It's a little of both. I could have done better, and they provide nearly zero support either motivationally or physically.

Still I feel like crap. It sucks to work in an environment where you feel completely isolated and at the same time have to watch all of the comeraderie and teamwork happening all around you. It only creates a greater feeling of isolation. Then to have everyone else, except for one person, completely forget your existence when planning a departmental party is just the bitter bitter icing on the stale cake.

I'm not happy. Not at all.