relief. the first batch of funds was released by our bank and H started writing checks and paying bills. the rest will be released on Friday.

Backup. we combined our "loan" into a joint account. our first joint account ever and we've been together 17 years. i was always afraid because he doesn't keep track of the money he spends and is always getting overdrawn. admittedly lately i've been overdrawn, but it's a rarity for me - maybe twice a year. but it's time. it's time we become more of a team in dealing with the household.

so last night he sat at the dining room table writing out the rest of the bills. what a relief. we couldn't pay off the whole cit bill, but we paid off almost 90% so that's a good thing.

he wanted me to do this. this is interesting. not interesting that he wanted me to do it, but what ended up happening. for the past year he's been trying to get me to be the one to handle all of the household/joint bills, develop and keep a filing system, keep track of all of the receipts, school paperwork, medical stuff, warranties, etc. etc. I make some progress but then something comes up, then i avoid it, and it piles up.

ok - some of it's my fault. i do practice avoidance. i do.

but last night - to get back to the point - he wanted me to finish writing out the bills. he had taken care of whatever during the day, when he was off and i was at work, and he had nothing else to do.

i hadn't been able to pump yesterday afternoon. the baby ended up having a bottle right before i picked her up from daycare, which was fine because then i could pump when i got home. first, though i had to move all of these chairs off of the patio by the pool because a big storm was coming and i didn't want them blowing into the pool and ripping the liner.

then i changed the baby, then pumped. i also told the kids that it was leftover/fend for yourself night for dinner - that i'd decided that every wednesday would be that from here on out. gives me a night off, takes care of leftovers, and just makes everything less rushed and more relaxed.

immediately after pumping, bagging the milk, rinsing the pump equipment, we packed up the baby and i drove 13 to a birthday party across town. on the way home i again reminded 10 about the dinner plans. we stopped at a gas station because she had quarters and wanted to buy tic tacs.

once home the baby was ready to eat again so i sat down to nurse her. 10 was eating some tic tacs, and i had a couple. we checked the weather. then she wanted to talk about her plans to go away with a friend's family for the weekend and we talked about that.

meanwhile H comes home and starts to lecture me about not having fed the kids, or not making sure 10 ate before she munched on tic tacs. he starts speaking accusingly about how the kids are now in the habit of going to the gas station and buying crap everytime they're hungry and every noon hour and 5 o'clock hour. Which isn't true by the way. I start to tune out. he goes on about how its important for me to put things exactly where he thinks they belong so that "he can help" when he has to get something for me. I'm not the only one who touches things, so - grrrrrrrr

then he rags that the chairs on the patio were next to the garage and not in teh garage so they're all wet now from teh rain. i explain that i had the baby and the pump bag, and the diaper bag and my main focus was getting them away from teh pool (where HE left them by the way) to protect the liner from getting ripped. (ironically I had a dream last night that he ripped the pool liner and the pool was unusable)

Finally I say its time for him to stop ragging on me and lecturing me about how to raise and care for our children and how to run a household. i shouldn't have to explain every little thing that happens from teh time i come home just to justify to him why one thing is done and another isnt. i obnoxiously tell him to close his lips and go away.

he comes back and asks if i will be able to sit down and go through the remaining bills to write checks. i say i will try, but certainly by Friday.

the baby cries, she has a rash, she eats several times in an evening. H wants me to wipe down the hand me down crib mattress with bleach because we've discovered it smells musty and mildewy - i do, then again with water to rinse after it dries.

in the midst of all of this 10 has eaten, i finally make something for me to eat. i can tell H is annoyed that i haven't also prepared his leftovers.

i have to give the baby a bath, and make it long enough to soak away that rash. she's uncomfortable and cries afterward. i dress her, feed her again. etc. etc. this is like after 9 pm now.

10's friend's mom calls to make the necessary arrangements for the weekend trip - that takes about 15 minutes on the phone while 10 tries (too loudly) to entertain the baby.

again he tells me how he wants me to manage the household stuff. after all he'll be in school, at the library, studying, working on projects. sometimes he just doesnt get it.

he keeps calling me wanting me to do things, but i can't. this is my life. he ends up writing the bills. when i finally come over and ask him what he wanted me to do, with a crying baby in my arms, he says "nevermind, you're busy." and hopefully he realizes that i can't just sit down and pore over paperwork like he wants me to do.

it was frustrating. it makes me feel like a little kid when he tells me how i should do things, or explains to me why things are important. i already know this. but life doesnt work in abc order, and i accept that. if i have to concentrate on the baby, or the girls, then that's what i have to do.

once school starts it will only be worse. i will be the only one available to help 10 with homework because H will be at school with a full time plus schedule himself. additionally i'll be struggling with making dinner, caring for the baby, doing laundry, probably not getting my own work stuff together for the next day and probably not getting the diaper bag or bottles ready for the next day. probably not pumping either. all of this between the hours of 6 pm and 11 pm.

how will i fit in bill and paperwork management so that he can be free to study?