Tween Teen Drama

Why are mean girls considered popular? Is it because they are unapproachable? In my daughters school I pegged the mean girls - the ones headed for trouble - back in K-garten. My own daughter has been raised with an emphasis on character, kindness, and equality among all people. We've also sought to ensure that she understands what might drive people to behave the way they do - good or bad.

So when that potentially trouble making group indeed became the (pardon my french) B--ches of the class, we addressed it post haste. When they were labeled the "popular" group I asked my daughter how they could be popular if all they do is hurt people and act insensitively?? Was she interested in hanging out with someone like that? It was a quick decision for her to say no. By the same token I asked her to try to see where they were coming from. One from divorce, not liking the man who could become her step dad, another from a very complicated divorce whose real dad was in jail and had a restraining order against him - the other two....not so easy.

Both came from two parent families. But one family had very controlling parents - a dad with a short temper who yelled a lot but did not hit. The other had a very hippie lifestyle where the kids could pretty much do as they pleased. Both of them might just like to belong, or to have some control, or to be controlled. Who knew?

Anyway, thankfully my daughter never had any probs with that group. She treated everyone fairly, did not have any great drive to belong to a group, and just did her own thing. I think they respected that and never bothered her.

I never encouraged play dates with them - she didn't ask for them. I felt like if they were mean to her friends she should necessarily be pursuing a friendship with them and she understood that and agreed.

Some of her friends though really desired to be part of that group. If they felt they were in a little, they would not be quite as nice to my daughter. But they'd quickly learn that they weren't really "in" when the group would turn on them and treat them badly and then they'd coming back. My daughter might be too forgiving but she never held it against them.

A couple of years ago a new girl came to her class - Blondie. Blondie had tons of energy and seemed like a good kid. She enjoyed the same things my daughter - May - did, was intelligent, and they had a good time together. They hit it off right away and hung out a lot. Some of May's other friends got a little jealous and May did her best to maintain a balance. She was in the middle and felt like none of her friends wanted to be friends with each other. But they tried.

Blondie eventually also wanted to belong to that mean girl group. DO NOT ask me why. But her mom invited those girls over one at a time and they developed some semblance of friendship one on one. She wasn't part of the group, but she was friends with them individually.

Didn't take long to see Blondies dark side - her Diva side. She would easily turn on May if she felt it was the cool thing to do. More than once she seriously hurt her feelings. We would help May see both sides of the potential causes for this - the dark side and the side that is driven by insecurity and immaturity. We would always let her know that she doesn't have to let this person back in, but she usually did.

Or if May was spending too much time with one of her other friends, that could also be cause for a temper tantrum and mean spiritedness by Blondie. We'd explain the same and let May make her choices.

More recently a new girl came along. She appears to be very much like May, but a bit more shy. She was obviously raised by intelligent parents, given explanation and choice, and taught manners and respect for all people. She can clearly make her own decisions about who she does or does not want to associate with and does not appear to cave to peer pressure. I like her.

Blondie hates her. Figures. And she's mean to her. Insults her looks, her clothes, whatever is convenient. If May is with the new girl then Blondie might even insult May. Jealousy, immaturity, selfishness.

So May and new girl have their first get together planned for a Saturday afternoon after an extra curricular meet. Blondies mom asks if I can give Blondie a ride home from the meet. Of course I say yes because we swap rides all the time and I have no prob with this. But I forget that new girl and Blondie do NOT get along. So I explain that I'd have to drop Blondie at home rather than let her come to my house, which she would usually do. I explain that new girl will be there and Blondies mom knows they have had their battles. She says she thinks they've kissed and made up, but I say no ~ it would be uncomfortable for new girl. I don't say, but I think, May and new girl are just getting to know each other outside of school and I don't want to mess it up by bringing a diva into the scene who will try to control the whole thing and toss out stinging barbs under the guise of wit.

So new girl begs out of the meet because her parents don't want to expose her to Blondies sarcasm and personality. Fair enough. Makes the ride home easier.

We drop off Blondie and pick up new girl and head home. New girl and May have a great time, enjoy themselves. New girl is so polite and genuine and considerate and so NOT annoying. So respectful. I truly appreciate this. I like her and hope that May and New Girl will spend a lot of time together in the future.

Of course I hope that Blondie comes to her senses and changes her behavior too, but otherwise I'd have to say that I hope May ditches Blondie and saves herself from any future run ins.

May talked with Blondie about her behavior and how it hurts people. Blondie responded "that's just the way I am and I can't change it." (bullshit!) But then another person who used to be like Blondie but who came to her senses also talked to Blondie about it and May thought it made a difference. Only time will tell.

The End.