I did it. I did look for a therapist and schedule an appointment and actually go. It was good even if most of the "hour" was spent on intake information. Still it provided an outlet for me to really let out a lot of the things that were bothering me. I'm still buzzing from it - there's so much I want to say and to get out there and to get feedback about.
My next appt. is coming up on Wed. and I have a couple pages of notes - in bulleted lists - to remind me about things that happened this week that I want to touch on and talk about. Of course that's pared down from pages and pages of actual journaling, and summarized lists, that eventually became a bulleted list.
During our conversation she asked about my husband and our relationship. As I was talking about that she said "that really sounds passive aggressive." How weird and spot on because just a week or so ago I had come to the realization that H is very passive aggressive in the way that he walks around complaining and criticizing out loud and blaming everyone else for what goes on - but never just calmly and kindly sitting down and talking directly to the person he's irritated with.
About 30 seconds after she said that I realized that she was talking about me and how I relate to him. ME!! I'm passive aggressive??? I looked it up on wikipedia and guess what....I am! I meet way more of the criteria than H does. That is number one on my list of things to talk about tomorrow.
One place where I thought I didn't fit into the concept of passive aggressive personality disorder was having trouble with authority figures - then I realize that I do only when it comes to H. I resent his attempts to assert any type of authority towards me....and maybe even towards the girls. I actively resist it and that's what sends me in the opposite direction and gets me so angry when he makes lists, asks me what my agenda is, or nags at me to get something done!!!
Ok - there are other issues. It's not all me and he has some serious communication problems. But I am definitely a part of the problem.
She also brought up the possibility of ADHD. I responded by saying I'm not at all hyper. She said that one doesn't have to be - it's about focus and organization of thought processes. Hmmmm - could be. I admit I'm resistent to that. I've thought about it myself, but don't wholeheartedly subscribe to the practice of labeling a inefficiencies in thought with an all encompassing disorder to be cured by meds. If meds are suggested I might try it but would prefer that we find some holistic or natural method of dealing with it.
Before seeing her I had, based on the psych today articles I'd read, looked up cognitave behavioral therapy (CBT) and found that it was a process through which you identified problems with your thinking patterns/processes and worked to change those - in turn changing your behavior and solving the problems. That often can include "assignments" for the patient to work on in between sessions.
Turns out she's an advocate of CBT and tends to lean towards that methodology. My first assignment was to keep track of every time I beat myself up over something. When I have those thoughts that say "you idiot!" and why I thought that. So I made a table that tracks the date, the degree on a scale of 1-5, and the reason. It's filling up but I'm sure I've skipped a few either because I inadvertently forgot or I chose to forget so as not to have to share it.
Additionally she did not assign but recommended that I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I've always avoided that book because I already know men and women are different species and hate self help books in general. Surprisingly enough I find myself totally drawn to them at this point and wish I had nothing to do all day but read them. Sadly I could not find the book on cd and had to buy the new abridged version to read. I haven't started it yet....procrastination? No I just didn't want H or anyone else to see me reading it.
I'm totally psyched for my appt. tomorrow - no pun intended. I really do HAVe to get some work done now. GOD what is freaking wrong with me????
Oh and there's developments on the work front that are just crazy. Another time.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Thoughts on Marriage
I sure am glad that I'm married and not dating. What a chore to have to sort through personalities and people to find someone that you can tolerate and who can tolerate you ~ hoping that some spark will ignite. It sounds so depressing.
Sometimes H drives me nuts - he's a difficult and complicated man - but overall I'm just glad I'm married and in a solid relationship. 17 years we've been together ~ married 13. That sounds like forever to me right now, but it feels so good to know that he'll be there when I get home; that he's just a phone call away; to know he's next to me when I wake up from a nightmare; to know that when everything else goes to hell, he'll be there.
On a day to day basis we have our "moments". I'll admit that I sometimes fantasize about what my life could be like if we were no longer married ~ all of the choices I could make for myself without having to think about how he'll feel about it. To only have to answer to me. But that brings a whole set of problems in itself. Single parenting is far from easy. A mom can never be a dad. And not to have that one solid steady person who knows all of your flaws and your strengths and who you can count on come rain or shine ~ well that would just be sad.
The core reasons why I was initially attracted to him still apply. While he may be reluctant to commit to plans with me in advance, or to go "out"; while he may be at odds with me on any given day and we may disagree about a lot of stuff in our daily lives; the fact is that when it counts he is there and I'm just thankful.
Me
Sometimes H drives me nuts - he's a difficult and complicated man - but overall I'm just glad I'm married and in a solid relationship. 17 years we've been together ~ married 13. That sounds like forever to me right now, but it feels so good to know that he'll be there when I get home; that he's just a phone call away; to know he's next to me when I wake up from a nightmare; to know that when everything else goes to hell, he'll be there.
On a day to day basis we have our "moments". I'll admit that I sometimes fantasize about what my life could be like if we were no longer married ~ all of the choices I could make for myself without having to think about how he'll feel about it. To only have to answer to me. But that brings a whole set of problems in itself. Single parenting is far from easy. A mom can never be a dad. And not to have that one solid steady person who knows all of your flaws and your strengths and who you can count on come rain or shine ~ well that would just be sad.
The core reasons why I was initially attracted to him still apply. While he may be reluctant to commit to plans with me in advance, or to go "out"; while he may be at odds with me on any given day and we may disagree about a lot of stuff in our daily lives; the fact is that when it counts he is there and I'm just thankful.
Me
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I do not belong
Another example of how I do not belong here. An hour ago a "co-worker" stopped at my office door to see if I was going to (local restaurant). I asked what for and he said for the annual end of contract party. FUCK IT! Yes, that's right I swore.
Same deal last year only last year I had reason to be extra slighted.
In my division there are two departments. The other department has office staff, office management, field crews, supervisors, manager, etc. My department has.....me. They have one very large contract to complete. I have a myriad of smaller contracts to complete.
Last year I didn't hear about their end of year party until pretty much the day of. I was invited as a second thought but could not go and probably wouldn't if I could. I couldn't because I was still busy doing all of the end of contract paperwork for several contracts from my dept. Their office and support staff does this sort of thing for them. I wouldn't because I couldn't stand seeing them all get financial and additional bonus prizes and being awarded extra days off, while I get nothing.
This year I could go, but only for a very short time since by the time I heard about it I had committed to work that I have to complete this afternoon. Plus I have to leave early to be able to pick up my daughter from day care on time. But I choose not to because I don't feel at all welcome or truly invited. Truth is nobody will even miss my representation because we don't have cause to work together in the slightest so we are two completely separate entities.
This year I have less reason to feel slighted in that I have lost a good portion of one contract because I'm just not enough people to have completed it. I feel sucky about it and alternately blame myself and the company. It's a little of both. I could have done better, and they provide nearly zero support either motivationally or physically.
Still I feel like crap. It sucks to work in an environment where you feel completely isolated and at the same time have to watch all of the comeraderie and teamwork happening all around you. It only creates a greater feeling of isolation. Then to have everyone else, except for one person, completely forget your existence when planning a departmental party is just the bitter bitter icing on the stale cake.
I'm not happy. Not at all.
Same deal last year only last year I had reason to be extra slighted.
In my division there are two departments. The other department has office staff, office management, field crews, supervisors, manager, etc. My department has.....me. They have one very large contract to complete. I have a myriad of smaller contracts to complete.
Last year I didn't hear about their end of year party until pretty much the day of. I was invited as a second thought but could not go and probably wouldn't if I could. I couldn't because I was still busy doing all of the end of contract paperwork for several contracts from my dept. Their office and support staff does this sort of thing for them. I wouldn't because I couldn't stand seeing them all get financial and additional bonus prizes and being awarded extra days off, while I get nothing.
This year I could go, but only for a very short time since by the time I heard about it I had committed to work that I have to complete this afternoon. Plus I have to leave early to be able to pick up my daughter from day care on time. But I choose not to because I don't feel at all welcome or truly invited. Truth is nobody will even miss my representation because we don't have cause to work together in the slightest so we are two completely separate entities.
This year I have less reason to feel slighted in that I have lost a good portion of one contract because I'm just not enough people to have completed it. I feel sucky about it and alternately blame myself and the company. It's a little of both. I could have done better, and they provide nearly zero support either motivationally or physically.
Still I feel like crap. It sucks to work in an environment where you feel completely isolated and at the same time have to watch all of the comeraderie and teamwork happening all around you. It only creates a greater feeling of isolation. Then to have everyone else, except for one person, completely forget your existence when planning a departmental party is just the bitter bitter icing on the stale cake.
I'm not happy. Not at all.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Realization
When I came back to work I quickly tackled all kinds of leftover work from the woman who'd replaced me for three months. People were glad to hear from me - the replacement hadn't returned their calls or e-mails or known what to do etc. In her defense she had half the hours and none of the training. She was basically manning the desk and reorganizing and that was helpful enough for me.
Then I did lists and prioritized them. I carried unfinished tasks forward. I set up action folders, etc.
Then I carried more unfinished tasks forward...because I spent too much time on trivial stuff like e-mail and surfing MSN articles while avoiding other work that I should have been doing. By Friday I had to spend the whole morning doing work I should have done over the previous week in preparation for an afternoon meeting. As a result I was poorly prepared and probably did not make a very good impression on a pretty important contact.
By this week...today...I came in and immediately went to the MSN articles. Ok, not immediately. First I looked for and responded to any persona e-mails on my work pc.
I saw a link to psychology today and went there. A featured article was on procrastination oddly enough. So I read it. I know that I SAY I'm a procrastinator, but this article NAILED me as a procrastinator and avoider. Right down to the making lists you never follow and considering the making of the list an accomplishment in itself, AND constantly checking email and keeping busy with trivial stuff just to feel like you did something when really you did nothing you should have been doing.
It said a person like this can improve with therapy. That is what I realize I need.
My procrastination and avoidance (happening right now while I write this) is affecting my work, my coworkers, my boss, my clients, my husband, my children, and my home. I procrastinate and avoid in every area of my life. I let bills pile up. I wait until the last minute to provide responses or to pay bills - unless I do it late. I wait until the shit hits the fan to focus on work that I should be doing.
Its a learned behavior and I'm already teaching it to my kids. It creates a lazy lifestyle. It is essentially centered around living a lie both at work and at home.
My relationship with my husband is certainly suffering because of it. And yes, its kind of my fault. Not entirely - but it is. He is still an incredibly sour nag these days.
Ok - just wanted to put it in writing that I do need therapy and I'm going to pursue that.
Then I did lists and prioritized them. I carried unfinished tasks forward. I set up action folders, etc.
Then I carried more unfinished tasks forward...because I spent too much time on trivial stuff like e-mail and surfing MSN articles while avoiding other work that I should have been doing. By Friday I had to spend the whole morning doing work I should have done over the previous week in preparation for an afternoon meeting. As a result I was poorly prepared and probably did not make a very good impression on a pretty important contact.
By this week...today...I came in and immediately went to the MSN articles. Ok, not immediately. First I looked for and responded to any persona e-mails on my work pc.
I saw a link to psychology today and went there. A featured article was on procrastination oddly enough. So I read it. I know that I SAY I'm a procrastinator, but this article NAILED me as a procrastinator and avoider. Right down to the making lists you never follow and considering the making of the list an accomplishment in itself, AND constantly checking email and keeping busy with trivial stuff just to feel like you did something when really you did nothing you should have been doing.
It said a person like this can improve with therapy. That is what I realize I need.
My procrastination and avoidance (happening right now while I write this) is affecting my work, my coworkers, my boss, my clients, my husband, my children, and my home. I procrastinate and avoid in every area of my life. I let bills pile up. I wait until the last minute to provide responses or to pay bills - unless I do it late. I wait until the shit hits the fan to focus on work that I should be doing.
Its a learned behavior and I'm already teaching it to my kids. It creates a lazy lifestyle. It is essentially centered around living a lie both at work and at home.
My relationship with my husband is certainly suffering because of it. And yes, its kind of my fault. Not entirely - but it is. He is still an incredibly sour nag these days.
Ok - just wanted to put it in writing that I do need therapy and I'm going to pursue that.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Domestic Drama
It doesn't feel good. Every day lately is a struggle.
I'm not greeted with good morning by H, instead I AND our daughters are greeted with a littany of complaints about what we've done wrong, not done, done too much of, etc. Following that are the neverending complaints about how much he hates our house, how he's so unhappy, how nothing is right or good enough ....or just enough in general. Great start to the day.
Even now as I write this I have to fight back tears. When its occurring I have to look away. I've tried being supportive, or explaining that we are each under some stress, or that the kids are just kids and not grown adults with communications degrees.
It's just so depressing to hear everything that comes out of his mouth be so negative. I really can't cope with it or process it. It's so overwhelming and such a huge burden that it affects every aspect of my life. I can't even work at work!
My mind is a jumble of thoughts and my heart is a mess of emotion. Bill are looming over our heads, H is depressed about things that can wait and is turning them into unsurmountable obstacles for all of us, work is a stress, I've recently had a baby, expenses are higher than ever.
I could cope with the bills and expense if there was any sort of positivity from my partner. If he could just take solace in a hug and togetherness ~ there isn't a whole lot else we can do. If he could sit down and problem solve with me and be willing to make the hard choices without constantly griping about how it will negatively affect HIM, we could begin to see the road under our feet if not the light at the end of the tunnel.
Instead it feels like he is becoming increasingly selfish. Always worried about how something will affect him or ruin his plans. Never understanding that his negativity is affecting everyone else.
It feels like I give him everything emotionally, but now I feel like shutting down. It's not the first time that this has happened. This weekend I realized that it felt like this when our last child was born. I don't know if it was the money problems or maybe an inability to deal with babies, but I know I felt pretty abandoned and found myself constantly protecting my kids. No - not from physical harm but from his constant irritation and griping and complaining and insulting.
It's like he gets through every day accumulating more and more shit minute by minute. He copes, he doles out what niceties he can muster, then he comes home and unburdens himself by dumping all of that shit - PLUS some - onto us.
Granted a family is supposed to be there to support you, but we can't be just a dumping ground. It feels like all I do anymore is listen to him vent, complain, and nag.
Men out there with nagging wives....I am a nagged wife. It never ends. It is constant. Sniping remarks, not so subtle accusations and insults, ragging and nagging and blaming. It's TOO MUCH!! I need relief. Our kids need relief.
Recently I figured out that my 13 yr. liked a certain boy but she denied it when I asked her about it. Her sister offered up that she really does like that boy - that 13 said that the boy is sometimes mean but she likes him. WOW - that hit me like a ton of bricks!!
We all are drawn to people with some personality trait(s) that exist in our family. Things that we are instantly comfortable with and already know how to cope with. We don't consciously realize that as it happens, but its true. What if 13 is attracted to mean boys? H can really be mean and has been especially so since the baby was born - and has gone through many phases where he's been especially so. What if our life is going to lead her into a life where she will have to spend her days enduring the nastiness of someone who just isn't happy with himself??
I'm seriously considering leaving. I don't know how though because we are mortgaged to the hilt and there are few places where I could afford to live on my own. OK - no I'm not thinking of leaving. Should I be?
While I was pregnant it was so good. I expected the worst because I remembered the last pregnancy and his attitude. But GOD he was so nice and kind and accomodating and considerate. It was absolute heaven. Naturally I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...and it has.
It started while I was in the hospital and his daily visits would consist mostly of complaints about everything that's going wrong in life, bills, work, school, AND having to deal with "this" and having to come to the hospital every day. I finally on the last day broke down crying because I just couldn't deal with his talk any more. First of all he didn't have to come to the hospital every day. Secondly I am the one who went through 19 hours of labor, had a seizure, had my belly cut open, can't cough or sneeze, can barely walk, is stuck with tubes and needles and monitors, and who has a baby permanently attached to her breast now. So your problem is what??
Then when I didn't turn into his version of Suzy Homemaker within two weeks it just got worse. I had complications and lifting and driving restrictions....oh yeah and a baby permanently attached to my breast. So I couldn't carry the laundry up and down two flights of stairs, or go grocery shopping on my own, or sand the drywall, or paint, etc.
But anyway I digress. That doesn't matter. I'm just at my wits end and don't know what to do or how to cope or get through this.
I'm not greeted with good morning by H, instead I AND our daughters are greeted with a littany of complaints about what we've done wrong, not done, done too much of, etc. Following that are the neverending complaints about how much he hates our house, how he's so unhappy, how nothing is right or good enough ....or just enough in general. Great start to the day.
Even now as I write this I have to fight back tears. When its occurring I have to look away. I've tried being supportive, or explaining that we are each under some stress, or that the kids are just kids and not grown adults with communications degrees.
It's just so depressing to hear everything that comes out of his mouth be so negative. I really can't cope with it or process it. It's so overwhelming and such a huge burden that it affects every aspect of my life. I can't even work at work!
My mind is a jumble of thoughts and my heart is a mess of emotion. Bill are looming over our heads, H is depressed about things that can wait and is turning them into unsurmountable obstacles for all of us, work is a stress, I've recently had a baby, expenses are higher than ever.
I could cope with the bills and expense if there was any sort of positivity from my partner. If he could just take solace in a hug and togetherness ~ there isn't a whole lot else we can do. If he could sit down and problem solve with me and be willing to make the hard choices without constantly griping about how it will negatively affect HIM, we could begin to see the road under our feet if not the light at the end of the tunnel.
Instead it feels like he is becoming increasingly selfish. Always worried about how something will affect him or ruin his plans. Never understanding that his negativity is affecting everyone else.
It feels like I give him everything emotionally, but now I feel like shutting down. It's not the first time that this has happened. This weekend I realized that it felt like this when our last child was born. I don't know if it was the money problems or maybe an inability to deal with babies, but I know I felt pretty abandoned and found myself constantly protecting my kids. No - not from physical harm but from his constant irritation and griping and complaining and insulting.
It's like he gets through every day accumulating more and more shit minute by minute. He copes, he doles out what niceties he can muster, then he comes home and unburdens himself by dumping all of that shit - PLUS some - onto us.
Granted a family is supposed to be there to support you, but we can't be just a dumping ground. It feels like all I do anymore is listen to him vent, complain, and nag.
Men out there with nagging wives....I am a nagged wife. It never ends. It is constant. Sniping remarks, not so subtle accusations and insults, ragging and nagging and blaming. It's TOO MUCH!! I need relief. Our kids need relief.
Recently I figured out that my 13 yr. liked a certain boy but she denied it when I asked her about it. Her sister offered up that she really does like that boy - that 13 said that the boy is sometimes mean but she likes him. WOW - that hit me like a ton of bricks!!
We all are drawn to people with some personality trait(s) that exist in our family. Things that we are instantly comfortable with and already know how to cope with. We don't consciously realize that as it happens, but its true. What if 13 is attracted to mean boys? H can really be mean and has been especially so since the baby was born - and has gone through many phases where he's been especially so. What if our life is going to lead her into a life where she will have to spend her days enduring the nastiness of someone who just isn't happy with himself??
I'm seriously considering leaving. I don't know how though because we are mortgaged to the hilt and there are few places where I could afford to live on my own. OK - no I'm not thinking of leaving. Should I be?
While I was pregnant it was so good. I expected the worst because I remembered the last pregnancy and his attitude. But GOD he was so nice and kind and accomodating and considerate. It was absolute heaven. Naturally I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...and it has.
It started while I was in the hospital and his daily visits would consist mostly of complaints about everything that's going wrong in life, bills, work, school, AND having to deal with "this" and having to come to the hospital every day. I finally on the last day broke down crying because I just couldn't deal with his talk any more. First of all he didn't have to come to the hospital every day. Secondly I am the one who went through 19 hours of labor, had a seizure, had my belly cut open, can't cough or sneeze, can barely walk, is stuck with tubes and needles and monitors, and who has a baby permanently attached to her breast now. So your problem is what??
Then when I didn't turn into his version of Suzy Homemaker within two weeks it just got worse. I had complications and lifting and driving restrictions....oh yeah and a baby permanently attached to my breast. So I couldn't carry the laundry up and down two flights of stairs, or go grocery shopping on my own, or sand the drywall, or paint, etc.
But anyway I digress. That doesn't matter. I'm just at my wits end and don't know what to do or how to cope or get through this.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Life Goes On
Last post was late March. April 3rd I gave birth to a beeeautiful lil gurl, then took three months off work. Not long enough for sure.
Every day I prayed to win the lottery so I could quit my job and stay home with the kids. I would cry while feeding the baby just thinking of leaving her.
At one point while doing just that I flipped on the tv and landed on Joyce Meyer's ministry program. She just happened to start talking about how we shouldn't be sitting on the couch flipping through channels and wishing for things to get better. How weird. The whole sermon was directed right at me. I took it to heart but haven't necessarily followed through on what I know I should do.
Last week I was so depressed, still am, about all of our debt and how it looks like we are just sinking into oblivion. Again, I was praying and wishing to win the lottery. I was up late sitting in the living room because I couldn't sleep for all of the thoughts of money ~ trying to keep my mind off it by watching mindless tv.
Eventually I went up to bed and H was asleep but the tv was on. I flipped channels a bit and landed on this other ministry show - the young thin guy who's always smiling. He seems pretty on the level. Anyway, what is he talking about??? Debt and the desparationg that one might feel in the face of it and how we shouldn't just mope around depressed about it, we have to do something about it. Get off our butts, come up with a plan, face it, and most of all have faith in God that if we take action he will help us.
Now, I just don't know what that action will be. A couple days later I finally tackled the table full of papers - mostly bills - that i have been avoiding for several months. Within there I find one of those 0% on balance transfer offers for a credit card and its not one of those crappy ones like capital one or providian. I decide I'm going to see if I can transfer some of my master card to that so I can have lower overall payments. Natch I haven't done it yet.
Ok, so I have to find a way back to the top. I can remember having no balances and paying my bills as they arrived. Even looking forward to receiving them just for the satisfaction of writing out the check and paying them off.
Now I'm here using my AFLAC payment to cover other bills instead of the medical bill its really for. STUPID!!
Wish me good fortune.
Peace
Every day I prayed to win the lottery so I could quit my job and stay home with the kids. I would cry while feeding the baby just thinking of leaving her.
At one point while doing just that I flipped on the tv and landed on Joyce Meyer's ministry program. She just happened to start talking about how we shouldn't be sitting on the couch flipping through channels and wishing for things to get better. How weird. The whole sermon was directed right at me. I took it to heart but haven't necessarily followed through on what I know I should do.
Last week I was so depressed, still am, about all of our debt and how it looks like we are just sinking into oblivion. Again, I was praying and wishing to win the lottery. I was up late sitting in the living room because I couldn't sleep for all of the thoughts of money ~ trying to keep my mind off it by watching mindless tv.
Eventually I went up to bed and H was asleep but the tv was on. I flipped channels a bit and landed on this other ministry show - the young thin guy who's always smiling. He seems pretty on the level. Anyway, what is he talking about??? Debt and the desparationg that one might feel in the face of it and how we shouldn't just mope around depressed about it, we have to do something about it. Get off our butts, come up with a plan, face it, and most of all have faith in God that if we take action he will help us.
Now, I just don't know what that action will be. A couple days later I finally tackled the table full of papers - mostly bills - that i have been avoiding for several months. Within there I find one of those 0% on balance transfer offers for a credit card and its not one of those crappy ones like capital one or providian. I decide I'm going to see if I can transfer some of my master card to that so I can have lower overall payments. Natch I haven't done it yet.
Ok, so I have to find a way back to the top. I can remember having no balances and paying my bills as they arrived. Even looking forward to receiving them just for the satisfaction of writing out the check and paying them off.
Now I'm here using my AFLAC payment to cover other bills instead of the medical bill its really for. STUPID!!
Wish me good fortune.
Peace
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