This weekend H and I took a whole passle of tweens and teenagers on an afternoon outing at a local skating rink. Everything went very smoothly and all of the girls were well behaved and got along well - even the two who usually have a conflict.
Shortly after we arrived I noticed a guy admiring a pair of hockey skates someone had left in the lounge/changing area. He commented on them to a friend. The friend asked whose they were and the guy said "they aren't mine.....but I could make them mine. Should I?" I didn't hear that the other guy responded so I don't think he agreed necessarily.
I looked right at the guy and then at the skates so he'd know I heard what he said. He seemed to recognize that. He left and came back with an empty athletic bag. I really felt he was going to steal those skates and I tried to make it hard by blatantly staring at him. Unfortunately I had to help some of the tweens with their skates and when I looked up the guy, the bag, and the skates were gone.
Turns out we knew a number of people that were with this group. They introduced us to the guy that was thinking of taking the skates. He kept looking at me the whole time we were there. Being VERY pregnant, I wasn't skating. So I hung out in the lounge, which is the only heated area.
I tried to see if anyone would go near where the skates had been so I could identify who they belonged to. I mean if someone was there with skates, why weren't they skating? And if they weren't skating, where the heck were they?
I tried to talk to the office staff to tell them what I thought happened, but everytime I went near there the bad guy or his group were there. So I waited and watched and hoped for the best.
Eventually a woman came in and declared that her sons skates had been stolen. I described them and asked if I was correct - asked where they had been to be sure they were the same ones. Yep, they were, and they were apparently very expensive.
So I had to say what I saw and try to point the guy out. I knew he was still there. But I couldn't find him. So I had to point out the other guy that had been with him - which I hated doing because it turned out he was the father of a friend/acquaintance who was also there. But I thought he would know where the find bad guy.
Then I spotted bad guy and pointed him out. The people confronted him, he denied, they threatened to call the police. It was near the end of open skate and I was thinking that here I am with 12 kids and my husband and I'm going to have to hang around and tell the police what I heard, etc. etc. I guess that threat was enough for him and he went and got the skates out of his car. He's lucky they didn't press charges.
I felt really awkward after that because bad guy was telling the whole story to the people he was with, whom I knew, and I felt even a little bad even though I knew I'd done the right thing.
Next Drama.
Finally get home with all of these girls. I'm planning to start driving them home in 1/2 hour, which all the parents know, but one parent shows up. She has a history - can't tolerate her child doing anything independently. The mom is slurring, obviously under the influence. I wait a few minutes to be sure I'm seeing what I am and I am correct. Then I send her daughter from the room and tell the mom that I'm not letting her drive her daughter home.
She goes from happy and overley animated to dark and really pissed off. She says "I will call the police" and I said go ahead. Secretly I was wishing she would. She then says "fine, then I want my daughter home in 10 minutes" and I said I would be right behind her heading out of the driveway. STUPID!! I should have taken her keys and had my husband drive her car home so she wasn't driving at all - but I can only think of so much in the face of nerve wracking confrontation.
So I drive the daughter home. While driving - recognizing that this girl has been through so many similar incidents and is somewhat mortified - I explain why I did this. I explain that her safety is paramount. I ask if she knows that as a child she still has rights and even though it could be incredibly difficult to ever act on them, she does NOT have to get into a car with her mother when she's drinking. Not ever. She mumbles I know, but I know she really just wants me to shut up and wants this to be over.
As I arrive at the house behind her mom who is pulling into the garage, she comes out to the driveway and tells me to come into the house. I decline but roll down my window at which point she says "this is not real" and I say "yes it is"....
other mom: you are untrue
Me: No I'm entirely true and believe completely in what I've done
other mom: you are wrong about this
Me: I do not believe that I am - you are under the influence of something
other mom: says something that is a denial that she is under the influence
other mom: If you want to play games...
Me: I would not play games with your daughters life
other mom: I am not playing games with her life
Me: If you are driving while under the influence, you are
other mom: We'll see how this all plays out in court
Me: Fine - now I have to go home so please step away from my car
Then I decided I should stop at the police department to explain what just happened just in case the other mom decides to call them and tell them some drunken version. She never did call them, they took minimal notes and sent me on my way. They weren't going to do anything. They never do.
Later she calls me and I swear I think she doesn't even remember the incident. She babbles about some school related function that's supposed to happen the next day and then ends the call with me wondering what the heck she just called about.
So goes another episode. I wonder how many more there will be with this woman. I wonder what will ever become of her daughter. I wonder if the mom did anything to take out her anger on the daughter after she got home. I wonder if there is anything that can be done to save the daughter because I realize the mom is beyond that.
Drama.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tween Teen Drama
Why are mean girls considered popular? Is it because they are unapproachable? In my daughters school I pegged the mean girls - the ones headed for trouble - back in K-garten. My own daughter has been raised with an emphasis on character, kindness, and equality among all people. We've also sought to ensure that she understands what might drive people to behave the way they do - good or bad.
So when that potentially trouble making group indeed became the (pardon my french) B--ches of the class, we addressed it post haste. When they were labeled the "popular" group I asked my daughter how they could be popular if all they do is hurt people and act insensitively?? Was she interested in hanging out with someone like that? It was a quick decision for her to say no. By the same token I asked her to try to see where they were coming from. One from divorce, not liking the man who could become her step dad, another from a very complicated divorce whose real dad was in jail and had a restraining order against him - the other two....not so easy.
Both came from two parent families. But one family had very controlling parents - a dad with a short temper who yelled a lot but did not hit. The other had a very hippie lifestyle where the kids could pretty much do as they pleased. Both of them might just like to belong, or to have some control, or to be controlled. Who knew?
Anyway, thankfully my daughter never had any probs with that group. She treated everyone fairly, did not have any great drive to belong to a group, and just did her own thing. I think they respected that and never bothered her.
I never encouraged play dates with them - she didn't ask for them. I felt like if they were mean to her friends she should necessarily be pursuing a friendship with them and she understood that and agreed.
Some of her friends though really desired to be part of that group. If they felt they were in a little, they would not be quite as nice to my daughter. But they'd quickly learn that they weren't really "in" when the group would turn on them and treat them badly and then they'd coming back. My daughter might be too forgiving but she never held it against them.
A couple of years ago a new girl came to her class - Blondie. Blondie had tons of energy and seemed like a good kid. She enjoyed the same things my daughter - May - did, was intelligent, and they had a good time together. They hit it off right away and hung out a lot. Some of May's other friends got a little jealous and May did her best to maintain a balance. She was in the middle and felt like none of her friends wanted to be friends with each other. But they tried.
Blondie eventually also wanted to belong to that mean girl group. DO NOT ask me why. But her mom invited those girls over one at a time and they developed some semblance of friendship one on one. She wasn't part of the group, but she was friends with them individually.
Didn't take long to see Blondies dark side - her Diva side. She would easily turn on May if she felt it was the cool thing to do. More than once she seriously hurt her feelings. We would help May see both sides of the potential causes for this - the dark side and the side that is driven by insecurity and immaturity. We would always let her know that she doesn't have to let this person back in, but she usually did.
Or if May was spending too much time with one of her other friends, that could also be cause for a temper tantrum and mean spiritedness by Blondie. We'd explain the same and let May make her choices.
More recently a new girl came along. She appears to be very much like May, but a bit more shy. She was obviously raised by intelligent parents, given explanation and choice, and taught manners and respect for all people. She can clearly make her own decisions about who she does or does not want to associate with and does not appear to cave to peer pressure. I like her.
Blondie hates her. Figures. And she's mean to her. Insults her looks, her clothes, whatever is convenient. If May is with the new girl then Blondie might even insult May. Jealousy, immaturity, selfishness.
So May and new girl have their first get together planned for a Saturday afternoon after an extra curricular meet. Blondies mom asks if I can give Blondie a ride home from the meet. Of course I say yes because we swap rides all the time and I have no prob with this. But I forget that new girl and Blondie do NOT get along. So I explain that I'd have to drop Blondie at home rather than let her come to my house, which she would usually do. I explain that new girl will be there and Blondies mom knows they have had their battles. She says she thinks they've kissed and made up, but I say no ~ it would be uncomfortable for new girl. I don't say, but I think, May and new girl are just getting to know each other outside of school and I don't want to mess it up by bringing a diva into the scene who will try to control the whole thing and toss out stinging barbs under the guise of wit.
So new girl begs out of the meet because her parents don't want to expose her to Blondies sarcasm and personality. Fair enough. Makes the ride home easier.
We drop off Blondie and pick up new girl and head home. New girl and May have a great time, enjoy themselves. New girl is so polite and genuine and considerate and so NOT annoying. So respectful. I truly appreciate this. I like her and hope that May and New Girl will spend a lot of time together in the future.
Of course I hope that Blondie comes to her senses and changes her behavior too, but otherwise I'd have to say that I hope May ditches Blondie and saves herself from any future run ins.
May talked with Blondie about her behavior and how it hurts people. Blondie responded "that's just the way I am and I can't change it." (bullshit!) But then another person who used to be like Blondie but who came to her senses also talked to Blondie about it and May thought it made a difference. Only time will tell.
The End.
So when that potentially trouble making group indeed became the (pardon my french) B--ches of the class, we addressed it post haste. When they were labeled the "popular" group I asked my daughter how they could be popular if all they do is hurt people and act insensitively?? Was she interested in hanging out with someone like that? It was a quick decision for her to say no. By the same token I asked her to try to see where they were coming from. One from divorce, not liking the man who could become her step dad, another from a very complicated divorce whose real dad was in jail and had a restraining order against him - the other two....not so easy.
Both came from two parent families. But one family had very controlling parents - a dad with a short temper who yelled a lot but did not hit. The other had a very hippie lifestyle where the kids could pretty much do as they pleased. Both of them might just like to belong, or to have some control, or to be controlled. Who knew?
Anyway, thankfully my daughter never had any probs with that group. She treated everyone fairly, did not have any great drive to belong to a group, and just did her own thing. I think they respected that and never bothered her.
I never encouraged play dates with them - she didn't ask for them. I felt like if they were mean to her friends she should necessarily be pursuing a friendship with them and she understood that and agreed.
Some of her friends though really desired to be part of that group. If they felt they were in a little, they would not be quite as nice to my daughter. But they'd quickly learn that they weren't really "in" when the group would turn on them and treat them badly and then they'd coming back. My daughter might be too forgiving but she never held it against them.
A couple of years ago a new girl came to her class - Blondie. Blondie had tons of energy and seemed like a good kid. She enjoyed the same things my daughter - May - did, was intelligent, and they had a good time together. They hit it off right away and hung out a lot. Some of May's other friends got a little jealous and May did her best to maintain a balance. She was in the middle and felt like none of her friends wanted to be friends with each other. But they tried.
Blondie eventually also wanted to belong to that mean girl group. DO NOT ask me why. But her mom invited those girls over one at a time and they developed some semblance of friendship one on one. She wasn't part of the group, but she was friends with them individually.
Didn't take long to see Blondies dark side - her Diva side. She would easily turn on May if she felt it was the cool thing to do. More than once she seriously hurt her feelings. We would help May see both sides of the potential causes for this - the dark side and the side that is driven by insecurity and immaturity. We would always let her know that she doesn't have to let this person back in, but she usually did.
Or if May was spending too much time with one of her other friends, that could also be cause for a temper tantrum and mean spiritedness by Blondie. We'd explain the same and let May make her choices.
More recently a new girl came along. She appears to be very much like May, but a bit more shy. She was obviously raised by intelligent parents, given explanation and choice, and taught manners and respect for all people. She can clearly make her own decisions about who she does or does not want to associate with and does not appear to cave to peer pressure. I like her.
Blondie hates her. Figures. And she's mean to her. Insults her looks, her clothes, whatever is convenient. If May is with the new girl then Blondie might even insult May. Jealousy, immaturity, selfishness.
So May and new girl have their first get together planned for a Saturday afternoon after an extra curricular meet. Blondies mom asks if I can give Blondie a ride home from the meet. Of course I say yes because we swap rides all the time and I have no prob with this. But I forget that new girl and Blondie do NOT get along. So I explain that I'd have to drop Blondie at home rather than let her come to my house, which she would usually do. I explain that new girl will be there and Blondies mom knows they have had their battles. She says she thinks they've kissed and made up, but I say no ~ it would be uncomfortable for new girl. I don't say, but I think, May and new girl are just getting to know each other outside of school and I don't want to mess it up by bringing a diva into the scene who will try to control the whole thing and toss out stinging barbs under the guise of wit.
So new girl begs out of the meet because her parents don't want to expose her to Blondies sarcasm and personality. Fair enough. Makes the ride home easier.
We drop off Blondie and pick up new girl and head home. New girl and May have a great time, enjoy themselves. New girl is so polite and genuine and considerate and so NOT annoying. So respectful. I truly appreciate this. I like her and hope that May and New Girl will spend a lot of time together in the future.
Of course I hope that Blondie comes to her senses and changes her behavior too, but otherwise I'd have to say that I hope May ditches Blondie and saves herself from any future run ins.
May talked with Blondie about her behavior and how it hurts people. Blondie responded "that's just the way I am and I can't change it." (bullshit!) But then another person who used to be like Blondie but who came to her senses also talked to Blondie about it and May thought it made a difference. Only time will tell.
The End.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Beginnings
I guess I thought that I'd at least put one entry in here, but apparently not. So, here it is.
Life is good - not easy, but good. I'm broke. Behind on bills. But I have a great family and great friends. Although I pretty much hate my job and it keeps me up nights with anxiety, It's a decent job with decent pay and decent benefits. It's served me well for 13 years.
Currently I am in my 31st week of my third pregnancy, already having two kids ages 13 and 9. Nope, this was not planned but I am happy. I love being pregnant. And I can already feel the sense of loss I will have after not being pregnant. Some might wonder how that's possible since there is then an actual baby, but it's not inside you and so much a part of you, so there's a little loss there.
My husband is being great. He was great the first time around, a jerk the second time around, and he is more than great this time. Besides work and school he is doing double duty around the house because, frankly, I'm just too darned old to be pregnant and functional. Glad he's here for us.
I have nothing important to say today. Just hello out there and blessings to everyone who crosses my blog path.
Peace,
Z
Life is good - not easy, but good. I'm broke. Behind on bills. But I have a great family and great friends. Although I pretty much hate my job and it keeps me up nights with anxiety, It's a decent job with decent pay and decent benefits. It's served me well for 13 years.
Currently I am in my 31st week of my third pregnancy, already having two kids ages 13 and 9. Nope, this was not planned but I am happy. I love being pregnant. And I can already feel the sense of loss I will have after not being pregnant. Some might wonder how that's possible since there is then an actual baby, but it's not inside you and so much a part of you, so there's a little loss there.
My husband is being great. He was great the first time around, a jerk the second time around, and he is more than great this time. Besides work and school he is doing double duty around the house because, frankly, I'm just too darned old to be pregnant and functional. Glad he's here for us.
I have nothing important to say today. Just hello out there and blessings to everyone who crosses my blog path.
Peace,
Z
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