Ponderings

Why sometimes is everything so clear, and at other times it's like a white out in a blizzard? Not just at different times in ones life, but even day to day...minute to minute.

One moment it's so clear to me why I'm married and why I so value my family and the life that I have. It's so clear to me why I'm so fortunate to have the people in my life that I have when other people's families are crumbling under the pressure of financial or personality issues.

The next I'm thinking that was all just so much rationalization of a bad situation. I'm thinking that to continue this way is equally as harmful to me as to my children or even my husband.

The next I'm thinking that what i should be thinking about is how much I love my family and how I should be working harder to find a way to make it work for all of us so that we all end up better off and closer and happier.

The next I'm wondering why is it always my responsibility to figure out a way to make this work? How much change exactly can I evoke if I'm the only one working towards a goal that only I know about?

It's so confusing. It's so tormenting. It's certainly not conducive to happiness ~ not for anyone involved.

So H is grouchy as usual. Interesting realization the other day as we all were at the circus. He woke up a bear with a headache and left me to clean up the flood in the basement (sump pump...water softener...yadda yadda), to deal with the kids, the cleaning, the baby...life. I thought the girls and I might go without him if he didn't feel better soon - we'd already delayed it from the 10 a.m. show to the 3 p.m. show. Then he says that he's going and we hit the road.

On the way he was happy and kind and funny and we all enjoyed it. Yet there's this tension in the air because while we are all enjoying this, none of us trust it. We don't trust that it will continue. We're all being extra careful to enjoy...but not to upset the applecart. Sure enough, on the way home it starts to deteriorate as he gets snappy, a little mean, negative.

I wondered if it's the fact that we're getting closer to home. 10 wonders that too - "isn't he happy at home?" I don't know. Home is a source of stress for him. A mess here, lots of bills there, no place to study w/out noise, kids being kids, repairs to be done, the usual. So - must we all suffer for that? Don't we all deal with those things in one degree or another? What if we all behaved like him? GAWD! What hell that would be.

Today he was barking...again...as usual. So I wondered again - maybe it's time.